


I'm already home

by lightningcanary



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: F/F, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2018-12-08 17:07:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 26,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11650992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningcanary/pseuds/lightningcanary
Summary: Soulmates AU in which you get the first letter of your soulmate's name tattooed in your body (and it's less obvious than one would think).





	1. searching for the meaning

**Author's Note:**

> It's 3:30 am so i honestly don't know what this is... also it's my first p/z fic and I'm terrified I can't do them justice..
> 
> but anyway, enjoy :)

Growing up, Patterson had always been told that, when she grew up, a letter would appear somewhere in her body. They told her that, at some point of her life, she'd find someone that would make her whole, someone that would give sense to her entire life, someone she'd love over everything and that would love her equally. And they told her that the letter would be the first letter of that person's first name.

So she waited and waited, thinking about what that person might be like. Thinking about what letter she might get.

She waited while seeing a few of her friends get their letter.

She waited as her own _younger_ brother got his.

No one knew when the tattoos appeared. Each person seemed to get it at a different age. Some had it from very early on, others didn't get one at all... but the majority got it in between their teens and their early 30s. So Patterson just had to wait.

She was 17 when the tattoo finally appeared. It happened during class.

Her left hand started itching and she absentmindedly scratched it until it was too distracting and she looked down at it. And that's how she saw it: an N slowly getting painted right into her wrist.

It hurt. She closed her fist and bit her lower lip to avoid making any sound of pain.

Once it was over, she let out a sigh and looked up. Looking back down at her notes, she silently groaned. _Shit._ She had missed half of the lesson...

That night she couldn't sleep. She hadn't told anyone yet. Not even her mom. Since she got it, she had felt overprotective about it. She wanted it to be only hers, even if it was just for one night.

She couldn't stop thinking about the N. She couldn't stop _looking_ at the N. She had a light coming off her phone, pointing to her wrist to be able to see the letter in the darkness of the night, while she brushed it with her right thumb and thought about names that started with N, about people she could meet, about what her soulmate could be like. She thought maybe it was a Nathan... Or a Nick...

Or... _Nicole_.

Nicole... Nicole who used to be her friend, until she became a cheerleader. Nicole who had kissed her in the dark during a sleepover. Who had been her first (and only) kiss...

Maybe...

Nah. She'd heard Nicole was dating a guy named Will and that they had each other's letters.

It couldn't be her.

That night, the girl dreamt about tattoos and soulmates and Ninas or Noahs.


	2. your faith is shaken

Tasha didn't believe in soulmates.

She used to, when she was a child and her grandma told her stories about soulmates and showed her the letter on her neck. She told her about how she had felt the connection with her husband instantly. She told her about her own brother and his childhood friend turned out to have each other's letter. She told her about Tasha's parents. And she told her that soulmates loved each other unconditionally.

But her dad left. Her dad left and her mom was a mess. And Tasha and her older brother were left to take care of their 3-year-old brother and the 6-years-old one.

By the age of 10, Tasha had been stripped of the illusion of soulmates.

By the age of 14, she didn't even think about it anymore. She only wanted her brothers to be safe. The only time she was reminded of soulmates was when her grandma mentioned it.

By the age of 17, her grandma was growing impatient. She got her own tattoo when she was 15 and Tasha didn't have hers yet. Every time she saw Tasha, she asked her if it had appeared and told her she couldn't wait for it and to imagine with her what the guy could look like. And Tasha dreaded it. She didn't know how to tell her that she didn't want a soulmate.

At the age of 19, Tasha got her letter. It was 3 am when she was awakened by a sharp pain in the back of her right shoulder and her neck. When the pain subsided, she went into the bathroom to take a look at it in the mirror. And there it was, the dreaded letter, a little E in the middle point between the back of her neck and the back of her right shoulder. She put her hand over it, closed her eyes and sighed. "Fuck."

She tried to hide it. And for a few weeks it worked, but one hot morning that she was home alone wearing a loose shirt and with her hair in a ponytail, her grandma came in unannounced and Tasha didn't have time to hide it.

Ten minutes later, the woman had relaxed after the initial euphoria, and they were both sitting on the couch talking about it. Well, Tasha's grandma was talking while Tasha faked a smile. The woman kept asking her if she had met any Eduardo or any Eric yet, while Tasha didn't know how to tell her that she didn't think that was it. That she didn't want it to be. That she didn't want a soulmate but that, if it had to be, she wanted it to be Erica instead of Eric.

Or Eve... like her best friend. Her best friend that was so happy when she had found Alex. Her best friend that had cried in her arms when Alex's letter turned out to be an L and not an E.

Yeah, Tasha definitely didn't want a soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this fic, I decided Patterson's name starts with E.. because the main thing about this fic was "they don't initially think the other could be their soulmate" and because it brings in something that I'm excited about...
> 
> Oh, btw, all the side characters (except Will) and their letters aren't random...


	3. I'm falling around you

Through the years, Patterson met a few people whose names start with N. She heard a name during class or read it on the tag of a waitress. And every time, she asked herself if it could be _them_ , she developed a small crush on the person and then nothing happened.

Every time.

Until Neal. She met Neal in the library, only to find out they had a few classes together. By the end of the course, they were dating. They liked each other, they were happy, they were the perfect couple: liked the same things, hated the same things, and had each other's letter.

It was... too perfect. They were too similar. But Patterson convinced herself she was happy. She was sure he was her soulmate.

But then he started acting different, distant. Until one day he told her that he had met another woman. Her name is Emma, he said. I'm sorry, he said. And he left.

She moved out, got into Quantico, and after graduating, got a job in New York. In an impressively short time, she got her own lab and team, becoming the youngest person to reach that. Burying herself into work and hiding the letter with her dad's watch and a few bracelets, Patterson tried to forget about _him_.

One morning, after a busy week, Patterson fell asleep and didn't have time to prepare breakfast, so, on the way to work, she stopped to pick up some coffee.

On the way out of the line, she bumped into a guy, spilled her coffee and almost fell down. Almost because the guy was fast enough to not let her.

"Shit. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm late for work and I wasn't paying attention... Didn't even see y--"

He laughed, stopping her rambling and making her actually look at him. _Uh, he's cute_. "It's alright. Are you okay?" He asked, smiling like he couldn't control it, which made her own lips curl up into a similar smile. She nodded as a reply.

After a few seconds of silence, he extended his hand and said "Hi, I'm David. Nice to meet you."


	4. this feels like falling in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what half of this is...

Tasha avoided E's at all cost. She also avoided people with N's, even if their name didn't start with E. Just in case. She dated Megan, who had a J. She dated Michaela, who had an L. She dated Lana, who had a K. None of the relationships lasted but, at the end of the day, avoiding "forever" was why she dated them. The only E she ever let herself think about was Eve, and she knew she wasn't Eve's soulmate. _But maybe Eve was hers?_

_Anyway. Soulmates aren't real so it doesn't matter._

She met Megan at a bar the night after her grandma saw the letter. Tasha needed a break after the long conversation with the woman and Eve was with Alex, so she went to a bar where no one would know her.

The waitress was cute and smiled at her a few times, but Tasha's eyes were set on a girl sitting with two guys at a table on the other side of the bar. The girl kept glancing her way when she thought Tasha wasn't looking, and looking away if their eyes met, until it happened so many times that she stopped looking away and instead smirked.

After about ten minutes of looking at each other from afar, Tasha, making sure the girl noticed, went into the bathroom. She was followed by the girl a minute later. The second they were both in, Tasha pushed her against the door and kissed her hungrily, hands on her hips. The girl kissed back instantly, holding onto Tasha's hair and pulling her closer. Tasha rolled the girl's shirt up, while slowly breaking the kiss, and saw a little J on the girls hip. Trying to get her breathing back to normal, she asked "What's your name?"

"Megan."

Tasha smirked before saying "Good. I'm Tasha."

They dated for a few months. Until Tasha left to join the academy.

She met Michaela in a coffee shop.

The first time they were both there, Michaela didn't even see her. But Tasha did, and she thought she had never seen someone so beautiful before.

The second time, their eyes met when Michaela was leaving. Tasha smiled at her and the other girl stared for a few seconds before shaking her head and looking away.

By the fifth time, she smiled back.

By the eighth, they knew each other's name.

By the twelfth, they went in together. They started to hang out together outside of the coffee shop. But they didn't make the next step. Tasha flirted. A lot. And every time, Michaela would smile but look away shyly. It was like she wanted it but was terrified. At one point, she almost kissed Tasha, but in the last second, she stopped herself and ran away.

It was after a pretty rough day in med school that she finally stopped overthinking. She burst into Tasha's apartment and told her she was terrified but that she was tired of pretending. She told her that she didn't know if it would work, that she'd probably make it harder and that she knew they weren't soulmates but that it didn't matter. She told her that she was only sure of one thing, she liked Tasha.

When Tasha joined the 96th precinct and Michaela left med school, they tried to keep a long distance relationship. It didn't work.

She met Allie during a joined case between the NYPD and the FBI. Tasha and Allie didn't date but they became good friends pretty fast. Allie was dating a co-worker named Kurt and they had each other's letters. Still, something didn't feel right. They were too alike, they were always fighting. It wasn't working. After a big fight, a few weeks of silence and some alcohol, Allie and Tasha ended up in bed together. Afterwards, when they were pretty much sober, Tasha asked, drawing circles on Allie's naked back, around the K, "So... how's Kurt?"

Allie sighed, rolled in bed until her back was pressed against it. "I don't know. We haven't talked in weeks."

"Do you still think he's your soulmate?"

Allie groaned. "You know, for someone who claims to not believe in soulmates, you sure as hell talk a lot about them... Are you sure you don't want one?"

Tasha rolled her eyes and started kissing Allie's neck to avoid having that conversation. (Because as much as she hated it, a part of her did want a "forever".)

After her partner died, her life became a mess. She started gambling and drinking too much. She had lost her purpose in life. It wasn't until Allie suggested she joined the FBI, that she got it back. 

She met Lana in Quantico. They were roommates. Lana had a K tattooed behind her right ear. Lana had a pretty rough childhood too. She had lost a friend too. Lana understood her pain.

It didn't take long until the hours of hand in hand training turned into make-out sessions. On private, of course.

It lasted until their training at Quantico was over.

"Where will you go?"

"Chicago. You?"

"Back to New York."


	5. like pieces in a puzzle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual I don't know what this is.
> 
> This chapter stops being past tense because it's not backstory anymore (well it kind of is but shh)
> 
> Also I refuse to accept that reade is younger than tasha and patterson is older. It's on reverse here. (The mark appears when your soulmate turns 18 in my version)

It's Tasha's first day and she's nervous. She's more nervous than she has ever been. _Why is she even this anxious?_ She has changed her outfit three times. She never takes more than ten minutes to get ready. _Fucking first days..._

When she arrives to the building, she double checks four times if she's in the right one and what floor she has to go to.

She's supposed to wait for "Reade". But... where?

After bumping with a few people, she decides the doors of the elevators are not a good spot to wait. Taking a look at the place, she concludes there's nowhere to sit without taking someone's chair and nowhere to stand without being in the middle. And-- oh a guy is approaching her. _Please be Reade..._

Once he reaches her, he starts "Hey, you must be Natasha Zapata, right? I'm Edgar Reade, I'm gonna be your partner." He extends his hand for a handshake.

Tasha freezes.

So here's the good part: he is Reade. But here's the bad part: his name is **E** dgar. 

"Um... are you okay? Are you not Natasha?" He asks at the lack of response, taking his hand away.

She gets out of her shock, runs a hand through her hair and answers "yeah, uh, sorry. I'm Natasha, yes. Well, Tasha." This time she's the one to extend her hand. "Nice to meet you, Edgar."

He accepts the handshake and continues. "Everyone calls me Reade. Come on, I'll show you around."

\-----------------------------------------------------

"And this is the lab. Patterson's lab. If I was you I wouldn't touch anything without her permission..." Reade says as they enter the last room.

He walks to a table set kind of in the center of the room and motions for Tasha to follow him. "Morning, Patterson." He tells to a girl that is typing in a computer next to the table, back towards them.

"Morning, Reade." Answers the girl, not even turning around to look at him, too busy with whatever she's doing. It makes Tasha smile a little.

He looks exasperated. "Patterson. Do you wanna meet my new partner?"

At that she turns around. "Uh?" She looks confused at first and then her eyes land on Tasha. When their eyes meet, Patterson lights up. Her eyes look brighter and her lips curl up into a gorgeous grin. She separates from the computer and moves towards her. "Hi, I'm Patterson. Welcome to the team."

Tasha is... not breathing. She stopped the second the girl turned around. Her mouth is half open and dry. She forces herself to close it and smiles back. Clears her throat and says "Thanks. I'm.. Zapata. Tasha. Tasha Zapata." _For fuck's sake, Tash... control your gayness._

The girl smiles even brighter, which Tasha didn't think was possible.

Before anyone can say anything else, another guy enters the lab. "Reade. Patterson. We got a case. SIOC in five." He says right before noticing the new girl. "Oh. Hello. Are you..."

"My new partner, yeah. Tasha Zapata." Reade intervenes. "Tasha, this is Kurt Weller, head of the Critical Incident Response Group."

"Hi...wait. You're... Kurt? Allie's Kurt?"

He looks at her surprised "You know Allie?"

"Yeah, we're friends."

"Uh... small world." He says thinking deeply, trying to see if Allie had ever mentioned a Tasha. "Well. Let's go, we have a case to solve."

Patterson smiles at Tasha passing by her side. "Your first case. May the force be with you." She says winking at her.

Tasha can see Reade rolling his eyes and Weller frowning, but she can't help the genuine smile that appears on her lips at the girl's nerdiness (probably her first genuinely happy smile since Andy's death) and the blush as a reaction to the wink.

The following months go by fast. Soon she stops feeling like the new one and becomes part of the team. It's like she's always been a part of it.

She and Reade become very close friends very fast. She feels like she can trust him with her life.

Kurt becomes a big brother to her. One that wants to protect her but also knows her value and uses it for the team's advantage.

And Patterson... she falls deeper and deeper in love with Patterson every day. She tells herself it's a simple crush because she's cute and she's pretty much the only girl she works with. But when she's with her, everything is better. She's happier.

By her second year, she's convinced Patterson is straight and her "crush" will never be more than that. Tasha also managed to discover that Reade has an S and not an N, so she knows she's not his soulmate. After making some research, she finds out about platonic soulmates and convinces herself that her partner is hers.

It's during Tasha's fifth year that the blonde meets David.

Around the sixth year, a woman appears naked and with amnesia inside of a bag in the middle of Times Square, her whole body tattooed and Kurt's name on her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna end this at another point but this felt right.


	6. the fallen hero haunts my thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... as usual, I don't know what this is... its 4 am...

It happens on a Wednesday. They are having drinks at Jane's safe house. Tasha is late. She arrives last, after deciding she can't betray Jane and her team and breaking Carter's bug.

Not long after she gets there, Patterson gets the call.

They go to the hospital and Mayfair tells them it's too late. _He's dead._

Patterson is frozen while each of them hugs her. She's out of herself. Stuck in shock. She asks them to take her home and leave. She tells them she's okay.

That night she doesn't sleep.

\----------------------------------------------------

Tasha is ready to go to sleep after one of the longest days in her years at the FBI. Between finding the bitc-- woman that killed David and almost resigning, before finding out Carter disappeared, Tasha is exhausted.

She's getting into her room when there's a knock on the door. Frowning, she takes her gun from the counter, goes to the door and opens it to find Patterson on the other side.

The brunette relaxes and puts the gun away. "Patterson, hey." Looking at her, Tasha frowns again, thinking about how late it is and about how lost Patterson looks. "Why are you here? What's wro--" She continues before getting cut by the other girl launching herself into Tasha's arms. Her own arms instantly embracing her with the sound of a repressed sob.

As the girl lets the tears out, Tasha leads them both into the apartment and into her room, not letting go of the blonde. They end up laying over Tasha's bed while Patterson sobs and Tasha holds her. She tries to talk a few times but it's impossible to understand, so Tasha just soothes her.

Once the sobbing has stopped and the tears have been reduced to sniffs and hiccups, they lay on their sides face to face. Tasha is brushing her hair when Patterson finally talks. "I-I thought it would help. Finding her- but. I'm just... empty."

"I know." Tasha says, remembering how she felt when Andy died.

After some seconds, the blonde continues. "I loved him." She says as silent tears start falling again.

Tasha reaches forward to wipe the tears away and whispers "I know."

"I pu-pushed him away. Because I was afraid and I-- He- He wasn't my soulmate. We knew that. We both knew that. But- it didn't matter. W-we didn't care." She's feeling the knot in her throat come back. Before continuing, she tries to stop the tears by closing her eyes and whiling them with her whole palm. "He wasn't my soulmate but... he did have an E in his ankle." It's getting harder and harder to talk. So much that she doesn't realize how Tasha's hand stops moving over her hair at the mention of the letter, how her mouth hangs open and her eyes widen right before she gulps and takes a deep breath, how she shakes her head, telling herself now is not the time to freak out about the fact that apparently she fell in lo-- got a crush on a girl whose name starts with E and that she can do it the next day, after doing some digging about Patterson's first name. "So maybe I was his soulmate even if he wasn't mine."

Those last words are the trigger for the sobs to return. Tasha brings her back into her arms and holds her until she falls asleep. She falls soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may write a David extra chapter outside of this... like. In this AU but posting it separated... I need sleep.


	7. i could try to smile and hide the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My longest chapter so far :) I'm pretty happy with this one. Probably because I didn't need too much imagination...
> 
> Anyway, bold means the other side of a phone call. Mac and Cheese are Tasha's cats. And I think that's all I wanted to say...

A week passes before Tasha finds the strength to check what Patterson's name is. _Ellie Patterson._

_Well, fuck._

It doesn't matter. It's just a crush. And Reade is her soulmate. Platonic soulmate. And Patterson just lost David.

It doesn't matter.

Patterson appears at her door again that week. And again two weeks later. And the next one.

Until it becomes a recurring thing. They watch a movie or an episode of a tv show and then lay down face to face and talk until they fall asleep. They talk about random things, that week's case, the movie they watched, Tasha tells stories about her grandma and Patterson talks about puzzles, computers or stars, which leads to finding out Tasha is actually a big nerd.

The night after they find Patterson in the woods, Tasha asks her to turn around so she can spoon her, needing the contact after almost losing her. Her... friend.

They aren't talking, the only sounds audible is Tasha's heavy breathing.

"Jane told me you were the one that figured out where to look for me, ... because of Aldebaran..." the blonde whispers.

The only response she gets is silence and a hand squeeze.

After a while, Tasha finally speaks. "That was stupid."

"I know... It made me feel like he was back." Tasha's grip around her tightens. They don't say anything else that night.

\------------------------------------------------------

When Patterson finds out Reade and Tasha have been hiding important things from her, she's mad. She's mad at both of them. But especially Tasha. They had spent the night before talking about work, including Mayfair and Reade, and still, she hadn't trusted her.

"And you knew about this too?"

"If it makes you feel any better, he only told me yesterday."

It doesn't.

\------------------------------------------------------

She doesn't expect Borden to ask her out. Even if they have been flirting for months. And when he does she's hesitant, but ends up saying yes before he can tell her to forget he said anything.

\------------------------------------------------------

"Why can't you come?" 

"I just... I have this prior thing... that's just like a meeting, really..."

"Like a date?"

\------------------------------------------------------

She finds her in her lab. "Oh good, you're still here. We're thinking about having a little thing in Weller's office... something for Mayfair."

"Oh. Yeah.. that's great. Of course."

_Wait._ "i thought you had a date? Or a meeting? Or whatever we are pretending this is?"

"Oh... yeah. I cancelled."

"Why?"

"I'm not very good at friend meetings, and they sound like a... good idea but then I start thinking about them and I get a little anxious and just kinda flustered aaand..."

"Start calling them friend meetings?"

"I've also been thinking a lot about getting a cat..."

"You just stopped a massive terror attack, you're one of the smartest bravest people I know and, um..." She looks away, a bit taken aback by how easily the words came out and a bit shy about knowing what she's about to say. "You're allergic to cats." In her defense, she knows because Patterson used to get very sneeze when she was around Mac and/or Cheese.

"It's true." Patterson says before looking at her with a sweet smile.

"Just go on the date." While saying this, Tasha puts on her best smile and turns around to leave.

Patterson watches her go with a grin on her face. "Okaay."

\------------------------------------------------------

She finds out on a Tuesday morning.

She sees them in the elevator when she's going to get in it and he's getting out.

"Good morning." He says.

Tasha watches him go and then looks at Patterson, from head to toes (and coffee cup), while she gets into the elevator.

The blonde talks first, unaware of what's coming next. "Hi."

Tasha smiles teasingly as Patterson looks at her starting to get confused. "Good morning."

Patterson has no idea why she's acting that way. "What??"

"Your coffee cup says Robert on it."

Patterson looks down at it and lets out a huff while the brunette laughs. "Dammit..."

"Well played, Patterson."

"I know that it's fast. And- and. But he's so nice and uncomplicated and- and.."

"Hot."

Seeing Patterson being happy, makes Tasha genuinely smile, looking right at her, while the blonde just looks forward and continues. "Yeah, he's hot. He's so hot. And just... he's just so solid." Tasha makes herself look away and chuckles at the last comment.

Yeah. She's happy for Patterson... or that's what she wants to think even if her smile is faltering and she feels her chest constrict. "He's nice."

"Nice is good." She says, unable to look at Patterson again. "I've been meaning to date somebody nice..."

\------------------------------------------------------

When they ID the owner of the gun used to shoot the senator, Tasha remembers Allie grew up with the guy, so she decides to call her in.

After two tones, she replies. **"Hey, Tash."**

"Knight?"

**"What's up?"**

"What? Can't I call you to see how you are?"

**"You normally just text..."**

"Oh excuse me for trying to-- okay, you're right. We got a case that involves Patrick O'Malley. I thought maybe you could help?"

**"Of course. I'll talk to my boss. I'll be there in an hour."**

"Good..." She's actually concerned so she asks "but really how are you?"

Allie laughs. **"I'm great! Really I'm just pregnant, it's alright..."** She sounds a bit annoyed... Weller is probably fussing over her... **"How's Patterson?"**

It surprises Tasha. Even if Allie is always teasing her about her. "She's... good. She's happy."

**"Yeah?"**

Tasha can imagine what Allie is gonna say next (some version of the usual "have you told her yet?"), so before she can say it, she replies. "Yeah. I guess a breakfast date with your boyfriend does that to you."

**"She got a-- dammit Tasha. I told you you should have told her you're in love with her."**

"I'm not-" noticing there's people entering the room, she lowers her voice. "I'm not in love with her. It's... just a crush."

**"If you say so..."**

"Allie..."

 **"I'm just saying, you've had this 'crush' for more than 6 years..."** Tasha can hear in her tone the air quotes in the word "crush". She groans. Deep down she knows her friend's right...

"Anyway, shouldn't you be talking to your boss?"

**"Yeah... but this conversation isn't over. See you later, T."**

"Goodbye, Allie..."

\------------------------------------------------------

She hasn't heard from Reade all day. She's worried. Really worried. So she asks Kurt if she can take the day for personal matters and tries to track him down.

Here's the good things: she avoids thinking about Patterson and Patterson with Borden, she avoids talking to Allie, she finds Reade and not injured.

Here's the bad things: Coach Jones is dead and Reade's standing next to his body when she finds him.

\------------------------------------------------------

The next time Patterson appears at her door is the night after the Acadian gets into the FBI facilities and almost kills her.

When she opens the door, the blonde hugs her before she can even talk. "He-hey... Shouldn't you be with your boyfriend?"

Patterson doesn't reply, just keeps hugging her. "Patterson?" Tasha tries to look at her. "Patterson, hey. Are you okay?" She asks when she gets the girl to look at her. She seems... mad?

"You almost die today." She finally talks, in a very hushed tone.

Tasha softens. "But I didn't."

"Can I come in?"

She doesn't stay that night. They watch a movie and then she leaves.

\------------------------------------------------------

Before the team leaves to what they think will finally destroy Sandstorm, Patterson looks for Tasha's eyes and they share a reassuring nod. A 'we're prepared for this'. A 'we can do this'. A 'don't die/I won't'.

As soon as they arrive, the comms stop working.

"Patterson. Patterson. Anyone's comms working?"

"Negative."

When she loses contact, Patterson starts to worry. Soon, Weller calls and tells her that they used Allie to keep him away. This only increases her worry.

When the comms finally work again, she tries to tell the team to get out. But they can't hear her properly. A minute later, she hears Nas. And Tasha, immediately after.

"Get out its a trap! Move!!"

"Go. Go go go!"

The last thing she hears from the comms is the explosion.

When Weller gets there, he informs her of the disaster. He shouts for Nas, for Jane, for Reade, for Tasha.

He finds an agent and leads him to the side, where an ambulance is stopping.

Next he finds Tasha. She seems to be in shock and doesn't remember much, but she's alive. She's alive.

They keep searching. Until they hear a sound that seems to come from under the debris.

Patterson feels helpless. All she can do is listen.

It doesn't take them long to find Nas and Reade. While Kurt tries to help Nas, she can hear Tasha's shouts.

"Reade?! Reade don't do this to me!"

\------------------------------------------------------

Once they are back, Patterson tries to call Borden, needing someone after what happened.

He doesn't answer so she decides to go check up on him at his apartment.

Before leaving, she calls Tasha to ask about Reade.

 **"Hey."** She sounds tired.

"Hi... how's Reade?"

**"He's in surgery. The doctors say it's going well and he'll be out soon."**

"That's good. Have you let them see you yet?" The lack of response answers her question. "Tasha!"

**"I'm okay. They saw me in the ambulance."**

"Just let them do a checkup. Please."

Tasha sighs. **"Okay...I'll go now. See you tomorrow?"**

"Yeah. I'm gonna go check on Robert now. Bye."

When she gets to his apartment, she finds him there. And that's when she sees the ring. The ring that Jane remembered. And then she sees his gun. She confronts him about it. And that's how she figures it out.

"You work for them, don't you?"

"You used me. They knew we were coming. They knew everything."

"FBI. You're under arrest. Whoever you are."

He runs. She follows him. 

He distracts her with words and before she can react, he reaches for her gun. They fight for control, a few bangs going off.

Until.

The gun is right between the two when the gun goes off one last time.


	8. the map that leads to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I tried to play with the points of view... I don't know how it turned out though.

It burns.

She's in shock. She doesn't fully understand what happened.

They separate. They both look down at Patterson's stomach. Her hand sets over it. It hurts. There's blood.

Borden starts to freak out. "Oh god. No no no. I'm sorry" She moves away from him. "I'm. I'm sorry. I never meant to-" He's reaching for her.

She puts her hand up between them and cuts him. "Don't... come near me."

He watches her as she leans into the wall, falling unconscious seconds later. 

\------------------------------------------------------

They are in Weller's office when Jane gets taken in. Kurt tells the agents to let her go. She's a mess. She explains she didn't know, it was a trap. And then she realises... "Where's the rest of the team?"

"Reade had to have an emergency surgery, he's in recovery now." Tasha is angry or... frustrated. So, yeah, Jane didn't know, but still, her mom tried to kill all of them. She killed a bunch of agents. She almost killed Reade! She knows it's not Jane's fault but she can't help it. 

"Jane. We lost a lot of agents." Nas explains.

"No. Where's Patterson?"

"Patterson was here during the attack." Continues Nas.

"No. Where is Patterson right now?" Jane looks seriously concerned.

Remembering the phone call, Tasha says. "Talked to her a little while ago, she went to check on Borden."

"Borden? Borden is a mole for Sandstorm."

_Borden is a what?_

Nas voices their confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"He doesn't work for us. He works for Shepherd."

Kurt is mad. "For how long?"

So is Jane. "From the beginning."

Nas is using logic, saying Shepherd probably wanted Jane monitored.

Tasha is still confused "So what? Borden was just dating Patterson for access to Intel?" _It doesn't make sense! ... I told her to date him... if he did something to her..._

They check Patterson and Borden's phones. Both off.

"Every agent in this building will start looking for her. We'll find her."

Jane brings up Roman. She explains that he chose her over Shepherd. But that then...

"I erased his memory. I zipped him."

Tasha can't believe her. He was their best chance and now he's amnesiac. 

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know."

_What?!_

Kurt looks at Tasha. "Take a team to Borden's and someone to Patterson's." Then turns towards Jane and Nas. "The rest of us are gonna look for Roman."

"Yeah, he knows Sandstorm well, he should know where the rest of the safe houses are."

"Sorry, hate to say the obvious but his memory has been wiped, how is he going to be useful at all?" Tasha can't contain her frustration any longer.

Jane defends it. "I remembered things right away. Roman might too." Tasha glares at her. On top of her previous anger, now Patterson could be in danger too.

Kurt tries to placate Zapata. "Roman is our best bet. If we get him to talk, hopefully, we'll get Patterson back."

"If she isn't already dead." It doesn't work.

\------------------------------------------------------

Patterson wakes up in a table.

When she opens her eyes, she's hit by the light of a lamp that hangs above her head.

Her stomach hurts. She looks at it and sees the blood in her blouse. She also notices that the gunshot wound has been treated.

There's sounds of water. She looks around and finds Borden, his back is towards her. She silently gets up from the table and towards him, prepared to strangle him.

She's halfway there when she hears the click of a gun behind her back. "Don't move."

Borden turns around. He and Shepherd argue. She wants to kill her.

"Think of the asset she could be, the Intel she could provide."

Patterson watches helplessly.

"You know how I extract information."

He convinces her.

\------------------------------------------------------

Kurt gets into Patterson's lab to check how the search is going.

They have located the tower Roman's phone is using but the area is too big to know where to look. They are calling him every 15 seconds.

He asks about Borden. Tasha shows him the pictures from his house. A few drops of blood on the floor. "Initial tests confirm that all the blood at Borden's apartment is Patterson's." He can hear her voice waver.

Suddenly, Roman picks up the phone.

In a short time, with some of his indications, they have discovered where Roman is.

Jane and Weller leave to take him in.

\------------------------------------------------------

"When you brought me in, you didn't tie me up and treat me like an animal."

Nas can see that Tasha is irritated about that whole day. Understandable... Her best friend almost dies and now her... "other best friend" is missing and injured, judging by the blood they found in Borden's apartment. "You hadn't just tried to get all of us killed." Jane glares at her. "Reade is in the trauma road because of your brother."

"That was Shepherd, not Roman!"

Kurt tries to make peace between the two. "Enough, you two. We don't have time for this."

Nas tries using her head to find the best way to treat Roman. "Jane's right. We need Roman's help to find Patterson. So, if we treat him like the enemy..."

"Which he is." Tasha clearly doesn't like it...

"Yes, but if we treat him like that... he may not cooperate." Nas tries again.

Tasha is unconvinced. "Even if he wants to cooperate, what is he going to say? I don't remember anything?" Nas knows that she's probably right and they won't get anything from him, but it's the only thing they have. They have to try. "We're here wasting time while Patterson is still--"

She tries again. "We're all worried about Patterson. But right now the only real lead we have is sitting in that room, so, let's just try and focus." This seems to be enough. At least for now.

It's not until Jane says that she wants to tell Roman that she zipped him, that Tasha talks again. "Are you crazy?"

"Tasha."

"You guys can stay here and talk to the forgetful terrorist, but I'm gonna go find a real lead." That's the last thing she says before leaving.

Nas and Kurt manage to convince Jane not to tell Roman.

\------------------------------------------------------

She threatens her. She wants to know what they know and to get it she tries to manipulate Patterson. First, it's just with words.

It doesn't work.

So she introduces the needle into her ear.

\------------------------------------------------------

He begs her to talk. He begs Shepherd to stop.

None of them listen.

"Everything. We know everything."

Patterson's screams are deafening.

\------------------------------------------------------

Tasha is right.

Nas accepts it the moment Roman lies to them. He's trying to help, for Jane, but him lying only makes finding Patterson harder.

Tasha is right, they are wasting time.

\------------------------------------------------------

She threatens her fingers next.

Borden can't take it. He asks her to stop again. But Shepherd easily sweet talks him.

Another guy enters the room. Apparently, they lost Roman.

Once Shepherd leaves, Patterson lets herself breath.

\------------------------------------------------------

"Tasha's got something. She's in Patterson's lab."

She found a text message sent to Shepherd from the guy Roman killed at the diner. But it's in some kind of code that she can't decipher with Patterson's system.

Before they can use Nas' code wrecking program, the woman notices one of the books from Borden's apartment was also at Shepherd's office.

They check if the code is about the book and in a few minutes they decipher it. It leads them to an auto shop.

\------------------------------------------------------

"SHUT UP! Are you slow, or something? I think I made it pretty clear I'm not answering any of your questions. I'm loyal. Unlike your children. First Jane turned on you and now it sounds like Roman did too, so what makes you think Borden's gonna be any different. Or any of your other followers. Everyone. Will. Leave you! Because you're--" Before she can finish the sentence, the pipe in Shepherd's hand hits her cheek and leaves her unconscious.

\------------------------------------------------------

They bring the owner of the auto shop in. She tells them she gave Borden a getaway car. A car that maybe had its original painting in one of the doors.

Soon, they find it using Patterson's computer.

\------------------------------------------------------

Shepherd wants to kill her. Borden convinces her to let him do it.

Patterson begs him.

She uses his humanity. His love for his wife. His love for her.

It works. "You're right."

An alarm starts ringing. "Is that Shepherd? Is she back?"

An explosion.

Borden leaves her.

She can hear a familiar voice from outside... She shouts for him. "WELLER!!!"

Not too long after, the door opens again. "Patterson?" It's Jane.

She approaches the table and starts taking the straps off.

Tasha is there too.

She's safe.

Neither of them gets away from her until they reach the hospital. The three women go on the back of the car, while Kurt drives. Patterson sits in the middle. Her left hand is clutching to Jane's. Her right, to Tasha, stuck between their bodies as Patterson's head leans over her shoulder.

She's safe.

\------------------------------------------------------

Reade gets out of the hospital, so Tasha takes him home.

"You hungry?"

"I can make my own cup of noodles."

"Okay." She says imitating his voice. "Just-- just. Relax. Put your leg up." Before she finishes the sentence, he's leaning in. "Please." She says, right before his lips touch hers.

When he separates, she looks confused. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?"

She shakes her head. "You're my best friend."

"Exactly. You know me better than anyone else. It makes sense, Tasha..." He explains.

She doesn't know how to tell him. _I'm in love with someone e-- I have a **crush** on someone else? I... am a lesbian? And. You're my platonic soulmate. PLATONIC._ "We're friends." She puts her cold face on. "That's all."

He's confused, he's high on medicine. He hears her. And understands. He accepts it.

"I'm gonna go."

\------------------------------------------------------

She gets herself a laptop. She digs and finds Borden's real identity. _Nigel Thornton._

Kurt visits first. He tries to get her to rest but... she can't. If she does, she doesn't think she'll be able to stand the pain.

Jane's next. She manages to get her to stop working for a while. They talk for a while until Patterson falls asleep.

Tasha is the last one. When she gets there Patterson is back on the laptop.

She's crying in silence.

As soon as she notices Tasha is there, she wipes the tears away, tries to hide it. She also closes the laptop and puts it aside.

It's too late, though, Tasha has seen them. "Hey." She whispers, frowning.

Patterson clears her throat. "H-hey."

The brunette sits in the chair next to the bed, eyes full of worry. A tear escapes Patterson's eyes. Again, she wipes it away as fast as she can and sniffs. "Patterson..."

The obvious concern in her voice only makes more tears come. Tasha stands up and reaches for her, stroking her cheek. "Hey, it's okay. They can't hurt you now." She whispers. "I won't let them."

Patterson gulps before saying. "I. I was so afraid." She chokes on the last word. _So was I_ , Tasha wants to say.

Instesd, she sits on the bed and puts her arms around the blonde, who does the same before letting her sobs go while Tasha kisses the side of her head and hushes her. "I'm here. Everything's gonna be okay."

A few minutes later, Patterson let's go slowly and lies down on her side on the edge of the bed. She pats on the other side, silently asking Tasha to lay down with her.

She does. They look at each other for a while. Tasha brushes Patterson's hair and puts it behind her ear. When Patterson talks it's so quietly that she has to lean a little bit closer to understand her. "His name... -his real name.- It's Nigel. Nigel Thornton."

Tasha frowns. "Whose?"

"Borden's. His-- His name is Nigel."  
"...okay." Tasha is not sure why she's telling her that.

Patterson looks down. And after some seconds, she moves her left hand up. And the right one circles her wrist. Tasha follows the movement, clueless about what's happening. Then, she shows her the wrist. **N**.

Tasha's heart stops beating. Her eyes are wide open. She has an E. Patterson's name starts with E. Patterson has an N. Her name starts with N. She's freaking out. She's about to freak out.

Patterson doesn't seem to realise her friend is in shock. She's too busy freaking out herself. "Wha- what if. What if he...?" Tears start accumulating again in her eyes. "If he's my so-soulmate. What. If...?" The tears are falling now. She's shaking. "He has a C. Bu-But that doesn't mean he's not mi-mine."

Tasha gets out of her shock as soon as she sees how upset Patterson is. She can freak out later. Now Patterson needs her.

"Hey hey hey hey hey." Patterson's breathing is rugged. "Look at me." She takes her shaking hands with her own. "There's a lot of people with N names. It could be..." _Natasha._ "Uh... Norbert. Or..." _Natasha._ "Noah like the new tech guy."

Patterson let's out a little wet laugh. "Tasha, he's gay."

The brunette smiles. "Well, not him then... but what about..." _Natasha!!_ "Nate? The guy from the bookstore."

Patterson smiles and moves to get more comfortable. She puts her head in the crook of Tasha's neck and her arm around her waist. "It could be so many people." _NATASHA._ She puts her arms around the other girl and leans her cheek against Patterson's forehead. "I have an uncle called Nicolás. Do you want an introduction?"

She can feel the girl's laugh against her neck. It makes her shiver.

After that, they spend some time in silence. Tasha is almost asleep when Patterson whispers "Tash."

"Yeah?"

"Jane told me they wouldn't have found me if it wasn't for you."

Patterson looks up at her. "Thank you." She whispers before kissing her cheek and laying back down.

"Always."


	9. I really feel like I'm losing my best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to say this for a few chapters and always forgot... I want to thank you all for commenting so much because that is the only reason I haven't dropped this fic. So thank you so so much!!
> 
> Also... have i mentioned this is a slow burn?
> 
> Now about this chapter... I'm not sure what this is, but that's not new so...

Tasha is torn.

On one side, she wants to be close to Patterson because a) she went through a lot and she's closing herself off, and b) for a moment, she thought she was gonna lose her and actually losing her is something she doesn't think she can overcome.

On the other side, she found out that, **maybe** , they are soulmates and she's terrified. She knows Allie would ask her of what? And would tell her that Patterson is not gonna hurt her intentionally... but that's a conversation she wants to avoid so that's why she's not gonna tell Allie. Instead, she pushes it deep into her mind.

In addition, she and Reade haven't talked since... the incident.

It's two weeks later when Reade is back to work that things get complicated.

"Hey! Welcome back."

"Hey."

"Are you feeling back to normal?"

"Pretty much."

She fills him in. It's... normal. But he feels the tension is still there. He sighs. "Tasha, I was on pain meds, my head was clou--"

She cuts him off, closing her eyes and shaking her head, trying to forget about it. "I know, I know." She slowly opens her eyes and looks at him. "We're cool, right?"

"Hundred percent."

"Yeah..." She needs to run. "I'm gonna go check on Patterson."

"I gotta catch up on these files." He says at the same time.

She nods and leaves. Definitely not a hundred percent cool...

She gets to Patterson's lab. She sees her massaging her head. She hasn't had a single day of rest since she got out of the hospital and no one can convince her to leave.

"Reade's back."

"Yeah? How's he doing?"

She brings the subject of resting while approaching Patterson. "I think the time off did him some good."

But before she has finished, Patterson's already replying. "I'm not taking time off."

Tasha tries to persuade her. "Shepherd tortured you." It doesn't really seem to be working. "Your boyfriend shot you, then tried to lethal injection you. I think you're entitled to a couple of sick days."

The computer pings and both of their concentrations go to it. "You've been working on this leopard tattoo for two weeks. Maybe Sandstorm left it out of Jane's body because it is a dud."

"Or maybe they realised it left them exposed."

Tasha gives up. "Alright. You gotten anywhere?"

"No. Zero progress. I just, I have this piercing headache and I can't seem to think straight."

At that Tasha would normally make a joke, but this time she's too worried for it to even cross her mind. She picks up Patterson's pills and reads "for extreme fast-acting pain relief".

"Yeah... None of those words are accurate." The blonde replies, taking the pills back.

"Okay, here's an idea. Go home. Seriously." Her voice, like her eyes, is softer now, full of concern.

This time Patterson seems to actually be considering it. Tasha doesn't know this but if someone can convince her, it's her. It looks like she's trying to come up with an excuse though, so maybe not this time. 

Before she can actually say anything, her tablet pings, telling her there's a hit on another tattoo. And the conversation is forgotten. 

\------------------------------------------------------

Kurt tells Reade and Tasha to go together. They look at each other and Tasha decides that she does not want to deal with that now. So she, again, runs away. But, for some reason, running away always turns out to be running towards Patterson... which is both the best and the worst. _Gosh, Zapata, put yourself together..._

\------------------------------------------------------

By the end of the day, she's tired of the awkwardness with Reade and, well, she misses her best friend, so she tells him to go get some drinks. She's ready to deal with it but she definitely needs to be a bit drunk to do it.

"Just don't try to make out with me after."

\------------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. It just caught me off guard. Your face... coming at me.." She uses her hand to recreate it.

"I was there. We don't need to do the play by play. We really don't." She laughs. "You know you're the only person who thinks you're funny? You're not even my type, anyway."

She thinks that it's a good opportunity to tell him she's gay. Instead, she ponders "Too smart or too classy..."

"Too classy? Really?"

She replies with what she'd call "a classy gesture".

He asks for another drink before going back to the serious part of the conversation. "Look, Tasha, everything that's happened recently... Jones, the Acadian," She looks at him concerned. He still hasn't dealt with... The Jones part and even if he says he's good, she knows... "Sandstorm ambush... and I saw your tattoo..." Her eyes widen a little. "m-my head's been... this is--"

She cuts him off. "Apology accepted. For real. Now let's never talk about this again..."

They agree while clinking their glasses and smile at each other, finally getting rid of the tension. _Thanks, alcohol._

After a while, Tasha speaks again. Practically whispering. "It's not you..." He looks confused. "The- letter. It's not you. For a while, I thought... I thought it was, like a platonic thing. But now... I-- uh... well." He frowns, right before she changes the path she was taking. "and you have an S... and now that I mention that, when this is over, you should call Sarah..."

He's reluctant. "I don't know..."

"Reade. She made you happy. You should give it a shot."

He thinks about it for a while and ends up nodding. "But that's not... you've known about my letter since we met, but you thought I was your platonic soulmate?"

"Well... yeah, I don't know, it could be a one-way thing..."

"And what changed?" He questions her.

She gulps. "Uh... " She looks away. "Can we talk about something else?"

He accepts, he knows not to push her to talk, especially about that subject.

\------------------------------------------------------

As the weeks pass, Patterson pours herself more and more into work. She always has, but this time she's pushing Tasha away and that is new. At first, Tasha doesn't notice too worried because Reade too is distancing himself from her.

But after a particularly stressing day, as Tasha is about to leave, she sees Patterson in her lab. She's taking or putting something from or in her bag. "You getting home?" 

When she notices Tasha, she stops and awkwardly tells her "Ah. Not yet, I still got a bunch of work to do."

Tasha smiles and looks away, knowing something isn't right and that Patterson shouldn't overwork but not wanting to pressure the woman. "Alright... Good night."

"Bye."

Tasha decides to let it go. At least for now. She really feels like Patterson is pushing her away, but maybe that's actually her. She knows that since she saw the N on her wrist, she has been avoiding being alone with the blonde. Yeah it's probably just her.

So she decides she wants to talk to her about it. She deserves to know, right?

A few nights later, after she's done with work she goes to the lab, knowing Patterson will be there. "Finally finished my paperwork. Have you had dinner yet?"

Patterson replies without even looking at her. "Ah.. I ate a go-gurt."

"A what?"

"A go-gurt. It's what you should eat when you don't have time to eat a yogurt. It's like a tube of yogurt." She explains, still not looking at Tasha and moving around the lab to write something on her board.

"Yeah, that's not dinner. Why don't we get something to eat?"

Patterson sighs. "I can't... I'm still trying to ID the reference numbers..." She sounds lost, focusing on too many things at the same time. "from Shepherd's redacted documents." Her hand goes to her head, she has had a headache for weeks.

Tasha frowns concerned. She tries to get her attention. "Hey. Are you okay?"

Patterson finally looks at her, for like a second, before going back to a computer while replying. "Yes. Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm fine." She sounds exasperated and breathless.

Tasha looks at her in disbelief. "I think you need a break. Maybe a drink or two to de-stress?" Patterson has always worked more than average but she has never sounded so irritated, at least not with her. And she has never been so busy that she can't even look at her.

At the question, though, the blonde turns around and puts her attention on her. Just to vent to her. "You wanting me to de-stress is stressing me out." Tasha looks away, not used to a mad Patterson, mainly not towards her. "Please. I have so much work to do and Weller wants me to do it with one hand tied behind my back. And if we have any hope of catching Shepherd and Borden, " Tasha's eyebrows raise as her mouth opens at Patterson's ranting. "someone's gotta push the buttons... because." She's breathless again and seems to be losing focus. "The buttons... don't push themselves..." Before Tasha can react, the woman is losing her balance and falling down unconscious. 

"Patterson!"

That's Tasha's limit. Seeing her faint in front of her. She decides that she's not gonna let her get to that point of stress again. She also concludes that she's going through too many things and telling her about the tattoos would only complicate things more. That it would stress her more. And that's what they want to avoid, so Patterson is better not knowing.


	10. don't let me go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard. And as usual I have no idea what this is. It's also probably the longest.
> 
> Enjoy!

Sandstorm is always a step ahead of the team.

It doesn't make sense. Patterson checks for bugs every morning and there's nothing. Sandstorm seems to know everything. Things that only the six of them talked about.

It doesn't make sense.

\------------------------------------------------------

"Maybe you've got a mole."

Patterson's head hurts. Again. They are watching the interrogation when the pain hits her.

"You okay?" Tasha asks, worried. She's been worried since Patterson fainted. She's practically always around when she's not out on the field. Not that Patterson is complaining.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just got a crazy migraine. I'm gonna... excuse me." She says, getting up to leave.

Cade is right. It was just them who were there when he gave them information. It was just them... but none of them is a mole!

\------------------------------------------------------

She's in her lab when she remembers.

When she was taken... Borden said she could be useful, give them Intel. What if... Then Shepherd hit her jaw. And... from that day she's been having those migraines... and she fainted... From that day Sandstorm has been ahead of them. In everything. What if... _**I** am the mole!!_

It doesn't take her long to find out that, indeed, Shepherd planted a bug in her tooth after hitting her. She wanted her to live. She wanted her to get back to the FBI. 

\------------------------------------------------------

She takes the team to the one place in the building where communication systems are blocked.

"Sandstorm can't hear us."

"What do you mean Sandstorm can't hear us?" Reade's clearly asking "when have they?".

"The migraines I've been having... the time that I passed out..." She starts explaining, looking mainly at Tasha, since she's the one that knows how bad the headaches have been. "I thought they were all after effects, from the torture. This..." She opens the x-ray on her tablet and shows the team. "...is an x-ray of my mouth." She enlarges the tooth where the bug is. "And this... This is a radio transmitter."

"It's inside your tooth?"

"When Shepherd tortured me, she clocked me pretty hard in the jaw. I think she planted a bug while I was unconscious."

"I thought you were scanning for listening devices every day."

"This is emitting at such a low frequency and using local radio towers as repeaters." Patterson explains. "It's ingenious and basically invisible."

"How did the doctors not catch this?" Tasha asks frowning.

"Because they were looking to see if my jaw was fractured. This looks like a cavity unless you crazy zoom in."

"She wanted you to escape that cabin."

"That's how Sandstorm was one step ahead of us. They hear the play calls before we run them."

"We should get to the infirmary. Get that bug out as soon as possible." Jane suggests.

"Actually." Patterson starts. "I was thinking we don't quite take it out yet."

Kurt understands what she means. "Sandstorm doesn't know that we found that bug. So we can use that to feed them misinformation."

\------------------------------------------------------

They get a few of Shepherd's men to go to an out of town area where they take Cade, who lures the men into a trap. Borden realises and escapes in the opposite direction, towards a barn. Patterson follows him. 

"Don't engage! Wait for backup!"

She doesn't listen.

She tries to talk him into giving up. He's surrounded. There's no way out.

He shoots blindly. Tries to run but she's faster and shoots him. It hits.

He's down. He's bleeding out and she has him against a corner. There's no way out.

"Nigel Thornton, you're under arrest. Let go of the gun. And put your hands in the air."

"No. No, you'll have to kill me." He says out of breath.

"No. You're gonna spend the rest of your life rotting in a cell, living with what you've done."

"It's okay. It's okay. Any reasonable person would want to kill me."

"SHUT UP!"

"Your rage is completely normal."

"SHUT! UP! YOU DONT GET TO DO THAT TO ME ANYMORE. I'm not gonna kill you. I took an oath. To my country. To the bureau. To uphold the law."

"I really did care about you, you know? I didn't mean..." He keeps trying to get to her.

"Yes you did! You lied to me. You betrayed me. You... you destroyed me." Her voice breaks.

"You have to know. I am s-sorry I did this to you."

"No. You don't get to apologise. And you don't get out of this on your terms. Now put down the gun."

He takes out a grenade. "I didn't want to do this." Takes off the safety clip and throws it to the floor. The room is full of inflammable gas. Patterson runs out of the barn right before it explodes.

He's dead.

\------------------------------------------------------

He's dead. It's over. He's gone.

She knows she should be relieved, she should feel... better. Safer. She just- she doesn't know how she feels. She's still in shock.

He won, after all. He did get out on his terms. They are all dead and they still have nothing.

Jane tries to talk to her. Telling her about Oscar and that she's there if she wants to talk. Patterson lies. She tells her she's alright. That she doesn't feel anything. The truth is that she's mad. She's scared and she hates him, more than ever. But more than anything, she's lost. Shepherd showed her that she can't even trust herself. And if she doesn't have herself, who does she have?

\------------------------------------------------------

She gets the bug removed out of her tooth. She's wandering around her lab when she bumps into Tasha.

"Wow. Sorry." Seeing her lost expression, the brunette frowns. "Hey, you okay?" She asks, trying to get her attention. Patterson blinks a few times, trying to focus, but, before she can, Tasha is closing eyes and groaning at herself. "Dumb question..." She looks at her for a while, thinking about something.

"I- uh. Sorry. I wasn't looking... Sorry. And it's okay. I'm... fine." She looks away, knowing Tasha will know she's lying if she looks into her eyes.

She stays silent for a while, still thinking deeply about something. "Stay at my place tonight."

\------------------------------------------------------

As they enter her apartment, Zapata tells her she has to go talk with Kurt, but that she won't be long.

Patterson stays awkwardly at the door minutes after Tasha has left. The place is not new to her. She's been there enough times to know where everything is. She actually loves it.

She decides to sit on the couch while she waits.

Five minutes later, she's asleep.

\------------------------------------------------------

She's running. Her breathing is rugged.

She runs sometimes. To clear her mind.

This doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel good. She's not just running. She's... being chased?

Yeah. She's running away from something. Or someone.

She sees a door that gets closer and closer. It doesn't seem to be connected to anything but she knows if she reaches it, she'll be safe.

She's practically touching the knob when she feels a hand over her shoulder, gently shaking her.

She wakes up startled. As she tries to catch her breath she looks around, rapidly remembering where she is. Her heart's pounding.

A soft voice comes from her left. "I'm sorry." She turns towards it. Tasha. Of course. She's at her apartment. "I didn't want to wake you up but my couch is pretty uncomfortable." She continues, removing her hand from Patterson's shoulder.

Patterson rubs her eyes with her hands. "Shit. I... I fell asleep."

Tasha smiles at her, getting up from the crouched position she was in to be at Patterson's height. "It's been a long day." She extends her hand. "Come on. You deserve a full night of sleep. But in a bed."

\------------------------------------------------------

She's still feeling some anxiety when they have been laying in bed for a few minutes. They are both on their sides, back to face, but there's a space between them. The only sound in the room is Patterson's hard breathing.

A knot starts to form in her throat as she keeps replaying the events of the day in her head, when she feels Tasha's arms moving around her and pulling her back against her front. Her thumb is drawing circles on Patterson's skin, trying to dissipate the tension in her body.

The girl gulps and tries to take a deep breath. "Patterson." The girl whispers softly. "Breathe with me."

Shortly after, her breathing has evened and she finally relaxes in Tasha's arms, as she realises that she has _her_. And that is enough. "Thank you." Her voice is so low that she doesn't expect Tasha to hear her and answer.

"Any time."

\------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Patterson wakes up alone to the smell of coffee. She notices that she fell asleep towards the other side. She probably turned around in her sleep. Hopefully, she didn't annoy Tasha or wake her up.

She gets out of the room in the pj's Zapata gave her the night before - shorts and a loose t-shirt - and finds Tasha in the kitchen, facing the other side of the room.

As soon as she sees her, she feels herself blush. Tasha, too, is wearing what she wore to sleep. Only, in her case, it's just a shirt and boxers. She has earbuds on and her hips are swaying, probably to music from them.

She's always thought the woman is gorgeous and right now she can't keep her body from reacting to it. She looks so free, so comfortable.

She knows she shouldn't be watching her friend - her best friend - like this. Patterson gulps and clears her throat, shaking her head to clear it too. "Good morning."

Tasha stops dancing and turns around, taking one of the earbuds off. She smiles when she makes eye contact. "Morning." Her smile widens. "Do you want coffee?" She adds, pointing to a cup.

Patterson smiles back and nods.

While they have breakfast, Patterson finds Tasha staring at her, biting the inside of her lip, like she wants to say something. But she doesn't, so Patterson decides not to think too much about it. After all, she probably wanted to ask about the day before and she doesn't want to talk about him.

An hour later, they are at work and Patterson is alone in her lab when she remembers she has an appointment with Dr Sun and all the comfort she found with Tasha is replaced by dread. She had a good night, she's alright and all the pain she was feeling... It came from the bug. She doesn't need therapy.

\------------------------------------------------------

"So, even after he left, Borden continued to invade your privacy. Even your body. That's a horrible violation. Surely that's upsetting to you."

"It isn't anything to me. It's over. I'm fine." She's not sure who she's trying to convince, Sun or herself?

\------------------------------------------------------

By the end of the day Jane suggests the three of them go have some drinks, they haven't had a girl's night in weeks. But Tasha says she still has work to do and will be leaving late and, before they can go, Kurt tells Jane and Roman that they are gonna let him out. So Patterson goes home alone. She's alright anyway.

She's about to play a video game when she realises the controller is out of battery, so she gets up to find some.

She opens a drawer and sees the origin trail, which Borden gave her. Instantly, the anxiety comes back. What if he put a microphone in it too. She breaks it to check it out. There's nothing. But she's already panicking so she starts to think of other places where he could have put bugs. She frantically searches her whole living room.

\------------------------------------------------------

After that she stops going home after work. She doesn't want to tell Tasha because she's already done too much for her and also she doesn't want her to worry. And she doesn't want to let anyone else see that she isn't okay after all. So instead of leaving, she stays in the building.

\------------------------------------------------------

They get a case full of puzzles and hacking. Patterson and Tasha are both enjoying it more than usual, while Weller looks annoyed about it. That's why Patterson is so confused, but mainly disappointed, when he decides he and Jane will go, instead of her and Tasha. She gets that it could be dangerous and they have to go unarmed but they are trained too, and they are the best ones when it comes to this kind of case. It should be them... and judging by Tasha's reaction, she agrees.

\------------------------------------------------------

When Jane and Weller come back, the four of them go out to get some drinks. While they are in the bar, Patterson receives a message that says they got a name from Sandstorm's documents.

Devon Penberthy.

She's in jail for transporting weapons. Probably for Sandstorm. So she probably knows what they are gonna use them for. They need her. But she won't talk... Jane suggests she goes undercover. But if she's Sandstorm, she'd probably recognise Jane. So Tasha offers. This is the best chance they've got and she's not willing to let it go.

\------------------------------------------------------

"You wanted to see me?" Patterson asks from the door of Weller's office. 

"Yeah."

"Is this about Zapata? Is she okay?" She asks worried.

He nods. "She's holding up. Sit." He says pointing at a chair. Once she's sitting, he starts. "I got reports that you're not going home at night. Is that true?"

"Pfft. What? That's crazy. Why-- why would I not?... who's saying that?" She says, very unconvincingly.

"Your key card lock."

_Damn it._

"What's going on?" His voice softens.

"You know, there's a lot of things that need to be done and some of my lab techs are new. And it's just easier to do things myself." She says defensively, only half lying.

"Part of being a leader is learning how to trust your team. And learning how to delegate."

"Everything needs to be done right. And. And. We can't afford to make any mistake."

"What we can't afford is having you burn out." He cuts her off.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

\------------------------------------------------------

They decide to break Devon out of prison so that she leads them to Parker. Well. Tasha decides she's gonna do it and the rest of them have no option other than helping her.

"I'm doing this with or without you. I'm not asking you for permission, I'm asking you for help."

It goes okay...ish. Not how they planned but they get out and Tasha convinces Devon to call Parker. And that's where it stops going right. Devon uses a code with Parker and he recognises Tasha instantly. Tasha's phone has a tracker, so the team finds the car and no sign of the women.

"Patterson." She hears from the comms.

"Weller?"

"Tasha is gone." She freezes. "They must have taken her." _No. No no no._ "Notify the agents in the surrounding area. Check all the traffic cams."

She tries to clear her head. "Ah. Should I mobilise air support?"

"No. I wanna be subtle. Can't put Tasha in more danger than she's already in." _Very comforting, Weller._

"We couldn't find the cell phone in the car, but maybe she took it with her. Are you getting any kind of signal?" Jane asks.

"I was but it went dead."

She tells them which direction they were going as she sends a team there too.

"Try to turn that phone on remotely, it's Tasha's only lifeline."

\------------------------------------------------------

She almost has it when her computer freezes. "No. No no no no no no no. NO! Stuart!" She says pointing at him. "Do you wanna tell me why my computer crashed? Again." She asks when he looks at her.

"I know. I know. It's the... OS update. It's causing all sorts of glitches."

"You said the update just came out."

"Yeah."

"We never do a full install until we run a bug check first." She's mad. If Tasha gets hurt, and this is the reason it happens, she... she doesn't know if she'll forgive herself. 

"Sorry, I... I didn't know, it was my first--"

Before he can finish, she has him pinned against the wall. "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?"

"What??"

"You disabled half the computers in my lab, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" It makes sense. He's Sandstorm.

"Please. Please. You're hurting me."

"Who do you work for?!"

"I work for you! Alright. I know I screwed up. It won't happen again."

She lets him go, realising she's way out of her mind. She leaves before she can do anything else. "Sorry. Keep working." She needs to calm herself down.

\------------------------------------------------------

Patterson is at an appointment with Dr Sun, that Weller asked her to take, when Tasha and the team get back to SIOC.

When she's out, she goes towards her lab. On the way, she stumbles upon Tasha, who seems to be storming out of the interrogation rooms? "Sorry." She says as she leaves.

"Ta- Tasha wait!" Patterson follows her.

"Not now, Patterson." She sounds mad.

Patterson follows her to the lockers room, where she angrily opens her locker, takes out her jacket and slams the door. Patterson is watching from the door, her eyes wide. She has seen Tasha frustrated before but never like this. "Tasha..."

"NOT NOW!" She looks at Patterson, who can see the anger in her eyes. "Patterson, please." Her voice softens a bit, still harder than she usually talks to her. Tasha turns around, closing her eyes, and tries to even her breathing. Her fists are so tense, Patterson thinks she's gonna draw blood from her palms. She moves to the sinks next door and calms herself with cold water. Patterson watches helplessly. A few minutes later, Tasha turns around, her eyes a lot softer than before. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to shout at you. That... wasn't supposed to go at you..."

Patterson shrugs and shakes her head. She gulps to clear her throat before saying "It's alright." She's hugging herself and avoiding Tasha's eyes.

Zapata looks towards the floor, knowing it's not alright but not knowing what to say or do next.

"What are you so mad about?"

Tasha shrugs, her teeth gritting. "Kurt... the FBI... I don't wanna talk about it." They again avoid each other's eyes.

Eventually Patterson looks at Tasha. Her eyes are filling with tears that she doesn't want to let out but has a hard time stopping. Tasha is still looking at the floor and biting the inside of her lip when Patterson accidentally sniffs. It instantly makes the other girl look at her concerned. In no time, Tasha's arms are around the girl in a hug as she says "Hey. Hey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Patterson's arms wrap around her and she shakes her head. "It's not... That. I.. I thought I was gonna lose you. And. My computers were acting up. And.. I thought- I. couldn't help." Her body is shaking by the end of the explanation.

Tasha's grip tightens and she caresses Patterson's back. "It's okay. I'm okay. I'm here now. And you did the best you could." Patterson shakes her head. "You did. You found me."

Patterson shakes her head again. "I wasn't there." She cries out.

"You can't always be everywhere, Patterson. Still. It was thanks to you that I got in. It was thanks to you that we got out. And it was thanks to your system that the team found me. Even if you weren't there in that moment." She says softly. "It was you."

They hug for a little longer until Patterson's tears dry. And even after that, she doesn't let go. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."


	11. the pillow's wet from all the tears i've cried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent 10 minutes thinking a title and I don't like it...
> 
> Like always, this is a mess and idk... Enjoy!!

The next day starts like a normal day, with the exception that Roman had tried to kill Jane after getting his memories back... and Pellington was around shutting the case down. Okay, maybe it wasn't a normal morning. 

But it was nothing compared to what was going to happen.

Jane and Weller had left with a team to check a building Parker told them about during an interrogation. Pellington was in Patterson's lab when it happens.

Sandstorm is inside the building.

They evacuate while Pellington takes a team to SIOC. Patterson is the only one in the lab when Tasha gets in. She notices a glitch. The video they are seeing is fake! There's no one inside. Sandstorm wanted them to evacuate.

When Pellington arrives at it SIOC, Shepherd and her men get in.

A cup breaks and everyone starts shooting. Sandstorm is winning. 

Patterson sees Tasha move towards the door and panics. "No no no no no!" She shouts taking her arm.

"We have to go, we have to--"

"You can't help them out there! I am locking this building down." Patterson cuts her.

Shepherd lines the agents and tells Pellington to give her his code to open the doors. He doesn't. So she starts shooting people.

Seeing he's not gonna collaborate, she tells everyone else that if they tell her she won't kill Pellington and them.

And that's when Brianna talks. She knows Kurt's code so Patterson can't lock them out anymore.

Shepherd kills Pellington anyway.

"We need guns. We get to the armory before Shepherd, we stand a fighting chance." Tasha says prepared to leave. But Patterson starts typing instead. "What are you doing?"

"I'm starting the database migration." She explains. 

"Patterson, we gotta go."

"Okay okay okay okay. We're in boot mode. Whatever Shepherd was after, this'll slow her down."

\---

"The full surge won't be instantaneous. The second I start this process, Shepherd will figure out what I'm doing and know where we are. They will come right for us and this room is completely exposed." Patterson explains worried.

Reade, understanding what's gonna happen, looks at Tasha. She looks back at him worried but with one blink it turns into determination. He understands and turns towards Patterson again. "We'll buy you as much time as we can."

Patterson frowns and turns to look at Tasha instead, silently asking her not to do it. Asking both of them to not go on a suicide mission. "Start the surge," Tasha says looking intensely into Patterson's eyes and giving her a little nod of reassurance.

Patterson watches them go.

\---

Patterson walks to the hallway Reade and Zapata are in. "They were able to evacuate the high val-" She's explaining while walking towards them, when she sees the blood in the wall and the woman on the floor, with Reade sitting next to her. "Tasha?! No no no no no no." Patterson's heart starts beating fast as she panics. _No no, not Tasha._

Tasha looks at her in pain but wanting to say something to comfort the blonde. She can't. "She lost a lot of blood, we can't risk moving her." Reade tells Patterson.

"I'll radio. I'll radio for help." Patterson needs to do something. She can't just stay there and watch **her best friend** die. She has never seen Tasha so vulnerable.

\---

"You gotta go. You gotta protect her. "

\---

Patterson is walking through SIOC, unable to hide the tears when Jane approaches her. "Hey."

Patterson sniffs and brushes off some tears. "Hey." She answers with a hoarse voice.

"How are you?" Patterson's only reply is a shrug. "I thought you'd be at the hospital."

Patterson shakes her head. "Reade went. He says she's in surgery." She whispers.

Jane looks at her for a while before saying. "You should get some sleep."

"I can't. There's so much to do."

Jane puts a hand on her shoulder. "And it will still be there when you wake up. Go get some rest. And when you wake up Tasha will be out of surgery and you can go see her."

Patterson looks away, sighs and nods. Then leaves to go home.

When she gets into her apartment, Patterson goes directly to her bedroom, but sees a leather jacket laying over a chair. Tasha's leather jacket. She must have forgotten it there the last time she was in the house. Patterson picks it up and goes to her bed. She gets into it and hugs the jacket against her chest and nose, breathing in and out. Her breathing comes out shaky as she tries not to cry.

She falls asleep with the image of Tasha covered in blood. 

Three hours later, Patterson is back in the building. She bumps into Jane. "You're back. Did you sleep?"

"Yeah. And don't ask me to go back because I-I can't." Patterson says, trying to go to her lab.

"Wait. Patterson, wait." The blonde turns towards her. "Did you go see Tasha?" The lack of answer tells Jane she didn't. "Come with me. She got out of surgery a while ago."

Patterson hesitates. She dreads it. She's terrified of what she's gonna find. She's terrified of seeing Tasha looking pale or hearing her heartbeat weaker than usual... but at the same time, the last time she saw her, Tasha was bleeding out and barely conscious. And that's something she'd like to forget. She bites her lip. "Okay."

\---

Jane enters first. Tasha is asleep so she asks Reade about her state.

"She's okay. The doctor said she lost a lot of blood but the bullet didn't touch anything critical. He said she's strong and will be 100% in about two weeks." He answers, clearly tired. Patterson lingers at the door, tears (that she manages to stop) form in her eyes as she looks at the girl. Reade looks at her. "She woke up a bit after the operation. Fell asleep about half an hour ago."

Seeing that Patterson still doesn't move or look anywhere except at Tasha, he adds "She asked about you." That gets Patterson's attention. She hums and moves to the opposite side of the bed.

Patterson sits in a chair and takes Tasha's hand. She starts drawing circles on her skin with her thumb. Tasha, in her sleep, holds Patterson's hand and her body turns slightly towards her. Patterson relaxes.

"Reade, you should go sleep a little." Jane tells him. "We'll stay while you're gone."

\---

Patterson wakes up to the beeping of the machines when the door of the room opens. Reade's back.

She fell asleep with her head on the bed, still holding Tasha's hand. Jane's asleep on the sofa on the other side of the room. They wake her up and she and Patterson decide to go back to SIOC to see what they can do, asking Reade to keep them updated.

\---

*I'm on my way to work. Tasha woke up. She's alright, it's almost like she didn't get shot 9 hours ago...*

\---

Tasha comes into work three hours later. And really, why are they even surprised...

\---

They get Shepherd.

They get Shepherd and they stop the missile.

It's over. 

\---

They are waiting for Kurt to come back. Everyone is there prepared to congratulate their boss.

While waiting Patterson starts thinking about all the things that happened in such a short time. Her eyes go to Tasha, who's laughing while Reade looks exasperated. It makes Patterson smile. Looking at her, the blonde feels her body relax and her heart beat louder. She almost lost her. Because **she** needed time. If... she could never forgive herself. If... she doesn't know if she could live. Not without her.

She looks down to her wrist. N. She brushes it with her thumb and looks back up towards Tasha. Her mouth opens in a tiny gasp.

Before she can fully acknowledge what she realised, the elevator doors open and Weller comes in and her attention is fully on him.

\---

"I'm just so tired." Patterson sobs.

The door opens and Tasha comes in. Patterson looks away and wipes her tears away. Her right hand holds her left wrist, unconsciously caressing her tattoo. "You guys started drinking without me? Harsh." Getting no reply, she looks at her two best friends and gets concerned as she sees their expressions and the dry tears in Patterson's cheeks. "What's wrong?"

"I used to love everything... Everything about this job. And now.. I just."

Tasha looks at both of them in disbelief. "Now what?"

Patterson doesn't know how to explain it. And she keeps avoiding Tasha's gaze, only looking at her when she thinks she doesn't see.

"I know how you feel, Patterson, believe me. This job takes everything from all of us. But it gives back too. It gives us a way to fight against all the garbage that's piling up in this world. It gives us each other. It gives us family. And families fight. Sometimes, they lose hope. But what they damn sure don't do is give up."

"Is that right, Quantico?" Tasha jokes. Both her and Patterson laugh and finally their eyes meet. And it fills Patterson with warmth, her smile growing as she is mesmerised by the sound of Tasha's laugh. She isn't sure if Tasha is her soulmate. Maybe she is. But she is sure that she doesn't want Tasha to just be her friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm repeating myself and also like things are hurried but anyway...
> 
> The next chapter will probably be shorter, since it was supposed to be the end of this one.


	12. there'll be no clear skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took so long but it may be my favourite chapter so far.
> 
> Enjoyyyy!

They are at Weller's, having some drinks and joking around, waiting for Jane.

Patterson is exhausted. Glad they took Shepherd down, finally, but exhausted. They all had a rough couple of... well, they all had a rough year. First David, then she got kidnapped, then Borden, the torture, the bug... and then there's Tasha. She can't stop thinking about Tasha. She caught herself staring way too many times, while her fingers unconsciously brush her wrist. Tasha caught her once or twice too, frowning slightly with a bright smile on her lips. And Patterson definitely isn't staring at her lips, nope.

When Jane appears, they prepare pizzas and sit around Kurt's tea table. Ignoring Weller's complaints, the three girls sit on the coach, leaving the boys to the armchairs. Still, Jane and Kurt find a way to be all over each other. Patterson sees them a few times and she looks at Tasha and at the hand that is laying between them and that she really feels the urge to hold.

Eventually they run out of alcohol, and Jane asks Patterson to help her get more.

When they are alone Jane starts "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

"Uh?" Patterson replies, confused. "What do you mean?"

"You know... you've been acting pretty strange... quieter... and looking at Tasha like you're trying to solve a puzzle." She explains moving around the kitchen, taking out some beers. Patterson doesn't answer, just looks down and bites the inside of her lower lip, hesitant. Jane frowns. "Did you two have a fight?"

"No! No... it's just... Can I ask you a random question?"

"Sure."

"You and Kurt... how do you know he's the one?" Before Jane can say anything, Patterson continues. "I-I mean... I... years ago I thought I had found my soulmate. This guy Neal. He had my letter and I had his. And I was so sure he was the one. But then... he met someone else and told me... he told me she was his soulmate. Not me..."

Jane sighs. "You know Kurt has an A, and I have a K. But Allie has a K too. And for a while, they thought they were meant to be too."

"That's what I mean!" Patterson says frustrated. "We are given one letter. There are millions of people with names that start with N. And a lot of them probably have an E on their body. How are we supposed to know?"

"You know." Jane smiles softly.

"How?!"

"You... feel it." Jane shrugs.

"What if you miss it the first time? You didn't know straight away, did you? How did you realize? What.. what does it feel like?"

"Well... I did feel it the first time I saw him, at least the first time after my memory was erased... but you are right, I didn't know what it was until later." Jane pauses to think about the last question. "And it feels like... you are drawn to them... it's like you need them near, one way or another." A few seconds of silence pass before Jane starts to wonder why all the questions about soulmates when they were talking abou-- "Wait." Patterson's eyes snap at her at the sudden words. "You think it's Tasha?!" Jane asks in a shouted whisper, not being able to contain a grin. She's always thought her two friends would be an epic couple.

Patterson blushes. "Uh.. I. Ugh. I don't know... I think-- maybe, it's Tasha?"

Jane looks at her sympathetically. "What does your gut tell you? How do you feel when you look at her?" Jane asks pointing with her head in the woman's direction.

Patterson looks at Tasha. Warmth fills her chest and her lips curl up unconsciously. "I feel... safe. It... feels like home, lik--"

"Girls, are you bringing those beers or what? The movie is gonna start." Weller calls, interrupting Patterson's words but not her thoughts.

_Like she's the one person that can make her smile at all times, or take all her pain and fears just by wrapping her arms around her. But also feels like if she lost her, she'd never feel whole again._

"We're on our way!" Jane shouts back. "... so?" She asks softly, looking back at the blonde.

Patterson takes a deep breath, before nodding. "I think it's her."

"Then talk to her." Jane answers, trying to contain her excitement.

They go back to the living room with the beers in hand.

"What took you so long?" Kurt asks.

Approaching them and handing him a beer, Jane replies "We had something to talk about."

"And what was that?"

"It was none of your business." She answers winking at him.

"Oh come on. We're family, right? Families don't have secrets." Reade intervenes, also curious about what they had to talk about.

"Yes, they do."

Meanwhile, ignoring the conversation, Patterson hands Reade and Tasha a beer and sits next to the brunette. She pokes lightly on her leg and, when she gets her attention, Patterson asks "Can we talk later?"

"Of course."

"Good."

After that, they watch a romantic comedy. After the last weeks, they all need something lighter.

The film is about soulmates, of course. A girl, who's obsessed with finding her soulmate, meets a guy, who thinks love doesn't exist, in her best friend's wedding. And, obviously, they are each other's soulmate. It's corny, it's very corny. They don't know why they are watching it, but no one says anything.

Halfway through it, Patterson leans over Tasha's shoulder, sleepily. Tasha shifts to help her get comfortable. Their hands brush against each other but they don't move to actually hold the other's hand.

Near the end, an especially corny line makes Tasha huff, roll her eyes and whisper "god...".

They all look at her. "What?" Jane asks.

"Come on. They just met and she's ready telling him she's gonna love him forever? And he suddenly is ready for compromise? They don't know each other." Tasha complains, frustrated at the storyline. Patterson slowly takes her head off her shoulder to look at her properly.

"Well. They are soulmates..." Kurt says.

Tasha looks at him in disbelief and rolls her eyes again. "Please..."

"You don't believe in soulmates?" Asks Jane, glancing at Patterson, who shifts uncomfortably.

"I just... I think your life is your own and it shouldn't be influenced by something no one understands." After a few seconds of silence, she continues. "I mean. Everyone acts like-- once you find them, everything is perfect and they'll never leave you. Life is more complicated than that. I just think... it'd be better if we didn't have a mark..." she finishes, looking down.

Patterson, biting her lip, looks from Tasha to Jane and then to the floor.

Everyone is silent for a while, the movie still going, until Tasha sighs and leans back into the sofa. Soon after, everyone gets back to the movie and Patterson puts her head back over Tasha's shoulder, feeling a little disappointed.

A bit later, Reade cracks a joke and the mood switches back as everybody laughs.

When the film is over, they spend some more time chatting and drinking.

Tasha is falling asleep, so they decide to go home. Patterson offers to take her.

Once they reach Tasha's apartment, Patterson leads her in and into her room. As they enter, Tasha let's out a little groan. Patterson looks at her face, concerned, then at the place the bullet wound is in. "You shouldn't have drunk that much."

"I'm fine. I didn't take any pain meds today, anyway." She replies, moving to get her pj's. She tries to remove her shirt but it hurts and she can't stop a hiss from coming out of her lips.

In no time, Patterson is by her side. "Let me help you."

"Okay." Tasha whispers.

Together, they change Tasha into her pyjamas, eyes lingering into each other's gaze for longer than needed, and, as she goes to the bathroom, Patterson gets her some water.

When she comes back, Tasha is sitting in bed, ready to lay down. "Here. Drink it."

"Thank you."

Patterson replies with a small smile.

"I'm... gonna go. See you tomorrow." Patterson says as she turns around to leave. Before she can, a hand on her wrist stops her.

"Stay." Patterson's head turns back around, not sure she heard correctly. Tasha's eyes are huge, begging. "Please." She says, practically imperceptible. When Patterson nods, she sighs, relieved, and adds "you can take one of my pyjamas", as her eyes close and she shifts to make space for Patterson, laying on her right side.

Patterson gets changed and into bed, lying face to face with Tasha, who is almost asleep already. Patterson brushes her hair off her face. The touch makes Tasha open her eyes and she smiles, Patterson's eyes are drawn to it. Tasha moves to get more comfortable, putting her head into Patterson's neck. Patterson's heart beats fast. She tries to calm herself, breathing deeply.

After a few minutes, Tasha abruptly moves away and looks at her. Patterson holds her breath, afraid she realised something changed. "You wanted to talk about something?" She asks, trying to keep her eyes open. 

_Oh. That._

After what happened during the movie, hearing Tasha's point of view about soulmates, Patterson doesn't think she has the courage to bring it up. "Oh... It was nothing, nevermind."

Tasha looks at her, confused. "Okay." She says before her gaze turns soft and she smiles. "Good night." She whispers.

Patterson's lips turn up into a smile until she sees Tasha leaning into her. She gasps right before their lips meet.

Tasha breaks the kiss as fast as she started it, puts her head back into the crook of Patterson's neck and pretends to sleep. She's actually freaking out because she did not mean to kiss her, it just happened.

It takes Patterson an hour to slow down her heart and even her breathing and half an hour more to fall asleep. It takes Tasha two hours.

\---

Patterson wakes up alone.

She looks around confused, she's not in her bed.

As soon as she realises she's in Tasha's bed, she remembers the entire night. Her eyes close and her fingers touch her lips as she relives the very end of the night with a sigh.

She gets up and goes to the kitchen. Tasha is nowhere but she finds a cup prepared to be filled with coffee, a donut and a note. The note says Tasha left for work and didn't want to wake her up because she deserves some rest.

Patterson huffs and rolls her eyes. Tasha deserves and **needs** rest too.

\---

Patterson tries to talk to her later in work. "Can we talk about yesterday?"

"Oh yeah. You wanted to talk."

"No no. I mean... about what happened."

Tasha looks at her, eyes wide. "Uh... Did I do something embarrassing?" She asks, pretending.

"You don't remember?" Patterson realises, disappointed.

"Not at all... I don't remember much after the movie..." she lies.

"Oh... well... its alright then. Thanks for breakfast." She says, forcing a smile and leaving, to avoid letting Tasha see her disappointment.

Tasha watches her go and sighs. She isn't prepared to hear the blonde tell her she loves her but not like that. Pretending she doesn't remember kissing her seems a lot less heartbreaking.

\---

Kurt offers them to take holidays. They all deserve it.

He and Jane take a week.

Reade takes a week too.

Tasha and Patterson don't take them at all.

The team tracks Roman down but he escapes again after a confrontation with Jane. Tasha, frustrated with the way Kurt is handling the situation, resigns. Keaton offers her a job at the CIA and she takes it.

Hurt by what they consider betrayal, the team loses contact with her. Eventually, Kurt and Jane talk to her and make amends but she's happy at the CIA and they understand. Reade and Patterson don't.

After another panic attack, caused by a virus entering their system and not having Tasha around to calm her down, Patterson takes two weeks of vacation. Two weeks that turn into three months, that turn into a year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tasha Zapata, you are a fucking idiot...
> 
> (Don't hate me.)


	13. her feet standing in my place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in the middle of Patterson's vacations. So Tasha left, Patterson took those holidays but it's not been a year since she did.
> 
> This is the jeller wedding.

The next time they see her it's at Jane and Kurt's wedding. It's funny, she only stayed in contact with them, although they are technically why she left. It's only been three months since she left. Reade and Patterson are still hurt. They miss her. They miss her a lot. But it hurts too much.

\---

It's a few weeks before the wedding when Patterson asks. "Is she going to the wedding?"

At first Jane is confused, but one angle glance at the girl and the way she's fidgeting while she looks down and bites the inside of her lip tells her who she's asking about. "Yeah," Jane answers slowly. When Patterson's eyes meet hers, she adds "She's coming with someone."

\---

Vanessa.

Her name is Vanessa.

And Patterson wants to hate her.

She doesn't know her at all but she really hopes she's horrible just to have an excuse to hate her.

\---

Tasha doesn't know why she invites Vanessa to the wedding... She's nice. And hot. And clearly into her. And Tasha does like her... could like her...

But she doesn't really know why she does it. She tells herself it's because she wants to try it. Deep down she knows she just can't face Reade and Patterson alone, and if she can forget the girl in the process... well then that's two accomplishments.

Either way, she invites her and she says yes. And that's how she finds herself in a wedding, holding her new partner's hand and waiting for Jane and Kurt to appear, while her two best friends avoid her. She can't help but look at how beautiful Patterson looks talking with Reade and laughing at something he said.

"Hey, stranger." Allie's voice takes her back to reality. She turns around and sees Allie looking at Patterson too and shifting her gaze towards her, with a sad smile on her face. 

"Knight."

"Long time no see." The girl says raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not the one who moved to Colorado with her girlfriend."

Allie purses her lips, not knowing how to answer. After all, she's right, the lack of contact between the two is not only Tasha's fault. Instead of saying anything, she looks at the woman next to her friend, at their linked hands and then back at Tasha.

"Oh, right. Vanessa, Allie. Allie, Vanessa. My partner at the CIA." She says pointing at Vanessa. "One of my best friends." She says pointing at Allie.

"Do I get to meet the rest of your best friends?" Vanessa asks, biting her lip.

The smile in Tasha's face vanishes and is slowly replaced by a little frown as she bites the inside of her lower lip, looking at the floor. "Probably not."

Tasha turns her gaze towards her two best friends and finds Patterson looking towards them, at their linked hands, with a frown and a hurt expression. Tasha feels the urge to let go of the hand, but thinks better of it. Patterson's eyes meet hers for a split second before the girl turns around, not wanting to maintain the eye contact. Tasha gulps and stares at the back of her head until she hears Vanessa talking to her. "Tasha?"

She turns towards her, confused. Allie is looking at her knowingly. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

"I asked why and Allie told me you guys lost contact when you left the FBI. And then I asked if you wanted to go talk to them."

After a few seconds of silence, Tasha shakes her head. Wanting to clear the tension, she changes the topic. "How's Taylor?"

Allie takes a moment to answer, still concerned about the previous topic. "She's great. She's with her dad." Before they can continue talking, Kurt arrives and the ceremony starts.

\---

Tasha isn't drunk.

Okay, maybe she's a little bit drunk.

Actually, she's very drunk.

She has been staring at Patterson the entire night, and it hurts. She can't stop thinking about how hurt she looked when their eyes met earlier that day. She wants to talk to her, hug her (, kiss her). But Patterson (and Reade, who has been talking with Sarah) have been avoiding her since she got there. So instead she gulps down her whiskey and looks for Vanessa.

She hugs her from behind and whispers in her ear "Dance with me." Then kisses the back of it.

They go to the dance floor and, as the songs progress, they get closer and closer, until, eventually, Tasha leans in into a hungry kiss.

Tasha doesn't see Patterson anymore that night. Nas disappears too.

\---

"Patterson, wait. Wait! Patterson. What's wrong?" Nas asks trying to catch up with the girl.

"I'm an idiot." Patterson replies rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands.

Nas frowns before she sees Patterson fix her eyes on her wrist, although she can't see what is in it, and her hand closes into a fist. Nas' frown deepens and she puts her hand over Patterson's fist and draws circles over it as she tries to take away the tension. Slowly, she turns the arm around to check her wrist. When she sees the tattoo, she understands. She saw Tasha kissing that woman too before Patterson ran away from the room. She remembers the way Patterson and Tasha have always been around each other. She remembers how worried Tasha was when Patterson disappeared. When she first met them she actually thought they were dating. "Soulmates are harder than we are told as kids, uh?" Patterson takes a sharp breath in.

After a few seconds, she lets it go and looks towards the party. "I don't know if I am hers. But... I'm sure she's mine." She says, looking back to the floor. "What I know is... she wishes no one had tattoos, so..."

Nas thinks for a while. "This is probably not what you wanna hear but I agree... it'd be easier without them." Patterson looks at her. "I met mine. And I really really wish I hadn't..." Nas explains, her hand moving to her own leg, where the E is tattooed on her. "I'm not saying she wishes she never met you. That's just my case. I know both of you enough to know she doesn't want that. She adores you, Patterson."

"She left." Her voice cracks.

"That had nothing to do with you..."

"She left with the CIA." Patterson's eyes fill with tears.

Nas sighs. "Patterson..."

"Why is it so hard?" She whispers with a tumbling voice.

Before she breaks down, Nas says, moving towards her "Come here." She wraps her arms around the girl and she comforts her while she cries. "I don't know... but it will be okay."

The door opening startles them. They separate and find Allie going out with a sleeping Taylor in her arms. Allie stops. She frowns at them and asks Patterson "you okay?"

The girl sniffs and wipes the tears off of her cheeks. "I'm." She clears her throat. "I'm fine."

Allie doesn't seem convinced but she lets it go. "Okay... I was gonna go put Taylor to sleep."

The blonde says "Yeah, I... I'm gonna go to bed too." 

\---

That's the last time they see her.

After the wedding Jane and Kurt move to Colorado and any kind of contact left between Tasha, Patterson and Reade is gone.

That's the last time they see her until...


	14. you still got that power hanging over me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this took ages! I got stuck with it and I actually kinda hate this chapter... also wanted it to be longer but I wanted to post something before tomorrow so here's this.

Her head hurts like hell. Her heart is pounding and she feels like she's gonna vomit. She tries to open her eyes but the light is too intense. "Take it easy, take it easy."

She recognises the voice. Slowly she opens her eyes again. "Reade?"

"You've been drugged."

"Where the hell are we?" She asks, getting up.

"I'm not sure yet. Just woke up an hour ago." He answers, giving her a bottle of water.

"It's good to see you. Even if it's getting kidnapped. Can't believe it's been a year."

"It hasn't been that long." He frowns.

"I've just gone through 365 with the CIA. You didn't talk to me since I left." She explains, pausing to gulp down some water. "It's been a year."

He thinks about it a bit ashamed before changing the subject. "You remember how they grabbed you? Where? When?"

Before she can answer, Tasha hears footsteps and the voice of a woman asking to be let go. _Is that...?_ Tasha turns towards the voice as Patterson get pushed into the cell. When she sees them, she stops. "No." She looks at Reade, then at Tasha. "They got you too?"

\---

They are all sitting on the floor in silence on opposite sides of the cell, avoiding each other's glances.

Tasha is getting antsy. Not only because her two best friends aren't talking to her but also because they all got kidnapped and they aren't doing anything.

\---

"Okay. This is stupid." Tasha complains after a few hours, making the other two finally look at her. "Do you really plan on not talking to me ever again?" Patterson looks away again. "We're stuck here unless we come up with a plan. And guess what? We gotta talk to do that." Tasha whispers.

After some seconds, Reade looks at Patterson and says "she's right..."

"Thank you." She mutters.

Patterson thinks about it for a few minutes and then nods.

\---

They decide to wait and figure out what the guards do at each moment of the day, to see when and how is the best way to try to escape.

The first day goes by uneventfully. The guards change shift twice.

The second day starts the same way but after the second shift, a woman and two guys with their faces covered enter the cell and pull each of them out of it.

The woman takes Tasha and each of the guys takes the other two through different doors.

The door in the right, which is the one Tasha gets pushed through, leads to a narrow hallway with doors at each side. As she's being pushed, Tasha can see from the corner of her eyes that in one of the rooms to her left there's a guy eating in front of a computer. In it, she can barely see what looks like feed of the outside of a building in the middle of a mountain. She guesses it's where they are.

The woman continues to push her until they reach the last door on the left.

Inside there's only a chair. She sits Tasha in it and handcuffs her hands on her back. "Let's have some fun." She whispers into Tasha's ear. A shiver runs down her spine. The woman is wearing a device that alters her voice.

She gets up and rounds the chair, looking at Zapata like a predator looks at its prey. Tasha can only see her eyes but she is sure that the woman is smirking. "Where is Remi?"

The only reply is silence and a stare. The woman slaps Tasha. "Answer me."

Tasha moves her jaw around, recovering from the hit, and looks back up at the woman."Where is she?" She growls. 

"I don't know."

The smirk comes back. "Wrong answer." She punches her in the jaw this time. Tasha feels blood in her mouth. She spits it and stands straight again. Only to receive another blow in the stomach and feel the air leave her body for a bit. "I can keep doing this for hours." The woman pulls her hair and levels their faces. "Where. Is. Jane. Doe."

\---

When she's brought back into the cell, Reade's already there but Patterson isn't.

She's brought in a bit later. She has a big bruise on the cheek and a cut in the lower lip. Tasha moves to take a look at it and caress her but Patterson moves away to avoid her and walks towards Reade. Tasha, hurt, gulps it down and lets it go.

\---

That night they talk about what each of them has seen and start to trace the plan.

All the way through, Patterson avoids making eye contact with Tasha. It's easy when Reade is explaining that he saw where they have a bunch of guns. It gets a bit harder when she herself is telling them about the map she couldn't look at but that gave her a slight idea of how the building was. And when it's Tasha's turn to tell them about the outside and the cameras, it's practically impossible but still, she tried. And it's irritating Tasha.

Half way through the explanation, she can't stand it anymore. "Will you fucking look at me?!" She shout whispers. It makes Patterson's eyes move up and finally lock with hers. "When we are out of here, you can go back to pretending I don't exist but right now we need each other!"

"You are the one that left me-- us. You left us."

"That didn't have to break our friendship. I just got another job."

"With the CIA! What did you think would happen?"

"I don't know, I guess I thought my best friends would understand that I had to get out of there."

"I needed you there! I thought you knew that." Patterson's eyes fill with tears, as her voice breaks. "That... you're the only one--" Patterson chokes with a sob as the tears run down her face.

A single tear escapes Tasha's eyes before she gulps and says "I knew".

After a few long minutes of silence, in which Tasha fights her own tears as she hears Patterson cry, Reade suggests they have some sleep to clear their heads up.  
It takes Tasha hours to fall asleep. Once Patterson has stopped crying, Tasha lets out a shaky breath as she finally silently cries herself to asleep.

The next two days go by uneventfully. The two guys and the woman always appear at the same time, take them through the same hallways and ask them the same question. They start to pick up on the schedules of the guards. They talk as little as possible but have now a good idea of where the doors to the outside could be and which way is the best one.

The third day after the fight is different. When Patterson is brought back into the cell, she doesn't have any new injury but it looks like she's in shock. Once the guy has left, she starts shaking and her breathing gets more and more ragged.

Seeing Patterson on the verge of a panic attack, Tasha and Reade rush towards her. "Hey. Hey, look at me. Patterson." Tasha gets the blonde's attention. "6, 7, 3, 5, 4."

"Wh... What?"

"Repeat after me. 4, 7, 3, 8, 1."

"Fo--four, .. seven-- T-three. Eight. One." Her breathing evens out.

"How did you do that?" Reade asks.

"It's a technique a friend taught me. The brain can't deal with a panic attack while counting out of order." She shrugs.

After that they spend some time talking about their plan. Patterson doesn't explain what happened and they don't ask.

That night, though, she wakes them up with a scream, as she herself wakes up from a nightmare, trembling and with a racing heart.

In no time, Tasha and Reade are sitting next to her on the floor, where she is sitting hugging her legs.

Reade tries to comfort her but she only stiffens more and shakes her head.

Zapata and Reade look at each other helplessly, but before they can decide what to do, Patterson's hand finds Tasha's.

The brunette looks at the joined hands incredulously. When her gaze goes back to Patterson, the blonde launches her arms around Tasha's in a desperate hug. Again, Tasha is surprised by it and freezes for a few seconds. Only when Zapata wraps her arms around Patterson, does her body start to relax.

Reade smiles at them and goes to sleep, as Tasha and Patterson lay down.

After Patterson has stopped shaking, Tasha whispers "I'm sorry."

Patterson moves her head off the girl's chest to look at her.

"I'm sorry I left." Tasha gulps down.

After a few blinks, Patterson puts her head back on Tasha's chest and shrugs. "You're here now."

Tasha's hold on Patterson's waist tightens and a single tear runs down her face.


	15. I can't sit back and watch you suffer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter probably has a bunch of inconsistencies but shhh

"Well well well." The woman says approaching Tasha. "I heard one of my friends had some fun yesterday. With new... techniques. Did you sleep well, Tasha?" She says leaning into the girl's ear. Not getting a reaction, she continues. "Did Patterson sleep well?" Tasha's body stiffens instantly and the woman laughs. "Did she tell you what he did? Do you wanna know?" Tasha gulps down, trying to control her anger. The woman moves around the room. "Ah, what if instead of telling you... you see it yourself?" She finishes, smirking as she takes out a remote and presses play, one of the walls lighting up with images.

It's a room similar to the one they are in. Eventually, the door opens and Patterson gets pushed in by a guy. He sits her and ties her down.

"You think you're so tough and smart, uh? Because you can take the hits without breaking? We know everything about you, Ellie Patterson. You are not those things." He moves closer with every word. Tasha's jaw clenches, as she watches helplessly. "Someone strong wouldn't have let a guy play them. Someone intelligent would have known he was using them." He leans down to level their faces. "Someone like that would have been able to protect David." Patterson's reaction is instantaneous, but as soon as it came, it was gone and she steels herself again. Tasha's hands curl up into a fist. "How are you gonna protect... I don't know, your mom, if something happens to her?" He continues, taking out a picture of Patterson's mom. Patterson struggles with the knots in her wrists. "You can't, can you? We're everywhere, Patsy Pat." He says back on her face. "How are you gonna stop us if you can't differentiate between friends and enemies? Who are you gonna trust?"

The video continues for a while. He keeps messing with her head and it slowly gets more effective. Tasha's nails draw blood from her palms.

Once it's over, the woman is back on her ear "That was fun, wasn't it? Let's see what they are doing right now." She presses a button and the screen changes to a different video, this time it's Reade, getting beaten up by the other guy. Tasha's jaw tenses. "Oh. Wrong one." She presses another button and Patterson appears again. This time the guy is very close to her face.

"Let's play a game, Patsy Pat." Tasha can't hear anything else he says, focused on how he moves around her, on how his hands touch her. It starts with her cheek, then goes down through her chest and stomach, and ends in Patterson's thigh. Tasha's blood is boiling.

When his hand goes back to her face and his thumb caresses her lip, Tasha can't stand it anymore. She struggles with the grip on her wrists. It's happening right now and she can't do anything other than watch.

"Oh honey... there's no point in trying that." A few tears of frustration escape Tasha's eyes. "You can help her, though. Just tell me where is Jane Doe and I'll tell him to stop."

"I. Don't know. Where she is."

"Pity."

\---

"We're leaving tomorrow." Tasha whispers aggressively, once they are all back in the cell.

"Zapata, we still do--"

"The more we stay, the weaker we get, Reade!"

He can see the rage in her eyes, he frowns slightly. "What the hell happened in there?"

"Nothing." She lies. "I'm just tired of being tortured."

"They've tortured you for days. What changed?" He knows her, even after a year of not seeing each other, he knows she wouldn't be this angry for herself. For someone she cares about, though... "Did they... threaten someone? Your brother? Vanessa? Allie and Taylor?"

"It doesn't matter. We have to stop them."

"That's why we're still here."

"No! If... If we stay, they'll continue."

"They made you watch." Patterson, who had been quiet but listening, realises. "It's not someone outside... it's us."

Tasha turns towards her with a pained expression. "We have to leave."

\---

They have a plan. When the guard brings their food, they take him down and quietly move to the armory on Reade's hallway and then they'll go to Patterson's to check out the map. After that, they'll find the best way out and then hide in the woods.

At first it goes as planned. When they are going to the armory, they cross paths with two guards, but they take them down easily too, not before one of them turns on his radio though.

They take the radio and search them for phones but find none. "Let's go, they probably know we are out by now."

Their way to the map is uninterrupted. The hall is empty. Tasha frowns.

They find the way out and move towards it. A few doors later, they hear a voice far behind them. "They are here!" Three guards and the three that tortured them appear.

They look at each other with wide eyes, thinking what to do. "Run."

They run through the hallways, aimlessly shooting behind and throwing whatever they can find to the floor to block the way. They keep running until they reach the door to the outside. And after that.

On their way out, Tasha sees that one of them has a gun pointed at them (at Patterson). "Patterson, get down!" She shouts, running towards her and pushing her away. She gasps as she feels a sharp pain in her right shoulder. Looking back she sees the woman angrily taking the gun from the guard.

"Tasha!"

"Are you okay?" She asks with a grimace.

"It hit you, you idiot!"

"I'm fine. Let's go. Let's go!"

Before they can, though, they hear and see a tank approaching them. With wide eyes, they look at each other before putting the guns down to surrender.

The tank points its cannon towards them. "We give up. Don't shoot."

It shoots, hitting the last door and blocking the guards completely.

They look at the tank, confused until Weller gets out and tells them to enter.

\---

"That was too easy."

"Zapata, you got shot!"

"It barely touched me." She says, although her hand has been over the wound since it hit her.

There's a few seconds of silence before Patterson says "Let me see that."

"I'm goo--" she gets cut by the glare coming from the blonde. "Okay.."

Patterson moves behind her, as Tasha takes off her once white shirt. Patterson clears her throat as she feels herself blushing. She cleans the wound, which is indeed very superficial. She cleans the bit of blood that went down her back, but some of it is covered by her bra. As she removes the strap, she says "there's some blood un..der..." Her voice disappears when she sees the little E that is tattooed on Tasha's back. She gulps and finishes cleaning. She puts a bandage on Tasha's shoulder. "All done." She says, helping her put the strap and shirt back on. She seats back in her seat and her right hand unconsciously holds her left wrist.

The rest of the team continues talking but Patterson can only think about that letter.

"It was too easy."

"They have been torturing us for days."

"But not to the point where we couldn't fight back. We were in the same cell, there were barely no guards. For fuck's sake, they even showed us the armory, the outside, a map! They wanted us to escape. I don't know why but they let us go."

\---

They get brought into a hospital. None of them has serious wounds, only a bunch of bruises and cuts, that hurt like hell. Their kidnappers knew exactly what they were doing. They lost some blood and are a bit dehydrated so they have to stay a few nights, just in case.

The first night, Keaton and Vanessa visit Tasha.

As soon as she's in, Vanessa is hugging Tasha. "Estaba muerta de miedo." (I was terrified) She kisses her desperately.

"Estoy bien" (I'm alright) Tasha tries to soothe her. Giving her a smile, she gives her a few more pecks. From the corner of her eye, she looks for Patterson, who is looking away, trying to entertain herself with her tablet.

"Hey, rookie."

She groans. "Keaton, it's been a year."

Laughing, he hugs her. "I'm glad you're alright." When they separate, he sees the bandage on her shoulder. "You needed a new scar to match the one on the other shoulder?"

"Ha. Ha. You're so funny..." she rolls her eyes.

"What happened?" Van asks.

"It's nothing." They don't look convinced but let it go. Patterson looks up.

Looking at the other two, Keaton says "hey, guys. I'm glad you both are back too." Reade glares at him. Turning towards Tasha again, he adds "Your friends hate me."

Tasha laughs. "Get used to it, boss."


	16. just promise me you'll always be a friend (cause you are the only one)

"Alright, everyone. In order to find Roman, follow the new tattoos and find the people that kidnapped you three, we are forming a task force. A joined mission with the CIA." Hirst turns towards Reade. "Assistant Director Reade will lead it. And only us ten can know the details of these cases, understood?"

The ten of them include Jane, Kurt, Patterson, Stuart, Rich, Tasha, Vanessa, Reade, Keaton and Hirst herself.

After a heated argument with Keaton and Hirst, Reade concluded that the best way to solve "the Roman thing" is to join forces, and who better than the old team for the job? (And Stuart... and Rich... and Vanessa.)

"Understood. But I have a question." Patterson intervenes. "Why is Rich Dotcom, dark web supervillain, part of this?"

"Hey. I'm a changed man, Peppermint Patty."

"He actually has helped a lot..."

"Are you... For real?!"

"Alright, enough fighting. Get to work. Those tattoos are not gonna solve themselves." Hirst says leaving them alone and motioning for Keaton to follow her.

Once they are out, Reade starts giving orders. "Okay, guys. Jane and Kurt start working on figuring out Roman's next step, he should lead us to the other three. The rest, focus on the tattoos. Make teams. Zapata and Patterson, you two used to work really well together." He says pointing at them. Tasha nods at the order and Patterson looks away and shifts uncomfortably. Rich frowns. "Rich and Stuart, you two are used to working together. Make sure Vanessa fits in."

"Who's Vanessa?"

Everyone looks at Rich in disbelief. There's only one person in the room he doesn't know... "Her." Reade points at her as she waves.

\---

"So, do you still hate me?" Tasha asks casually, not looking up from her tablet.

Patterson's head pops up. "I don't hate you. I never hated you." She says, her voice getting harder to hear with each word. Tasha hears them all.

She looks up with sad eyes. "Then can we go back to how we were?" She asks, reaching out for Patterson's hand, putting hers softly over it to let the girl remove it if she wants to.

Patterson looks at their hands, her thumb lightly brushing Tasha's. "It's not that easy."

"I know... but... We can try?" She asks hopefully, watching as Patterson intertwines their fingers.  
Patterson nods and Tasha's face lights up. The moment is interrupted when Vanessa approaches them. "Hey." Tasha instantly moves her hand away from Patterson's and turns around. It stings. "Can you help me with this? The guys are trying out something and I can't figure this out..."

Patterson gulps. "Of course." She smiles tightly.

\---

Jane finds Patterson in the training room, messily hitting a dummy and groaning every two hits.

"Patterson? What are you doing here?"

The blonde is startled but relaxes when she notices it's just Jane. "I... needed to blow off some steam."

"Uh... and why's that?" Seeing that Patterson's reply is only a shrug, she continues. "Does it have anything to do with Tasha being back?" Patterson's eyes meet Jane's. "I saw how you looked at her earlier, Patterson. It's norm--"

"It's not... her... its... I just. I..." She takes a deep breath. "We were having a moment and making up but then _Vanessa_ came in and..." she groans. "I don't understand. Wh... why is she dating her?"

"Patterson..."

"No. Why is she dating her if..."

"If what?" Jane frowns.

Patterson looks at her. "I saw her tattoo. It is an E. And she knows. She knows my name, she knows I have an N. She... she knows... and she doesn't want it. Doesn't want me." She hides her face as a tear rolls down her face.

Jane sighs. "Patterson. Tasha adores you. She always has. And maybe she's your soulmate. But maybe it's the platonic type. Or maybe she's afraid of losing you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Before Jane can answer, the door swings open and Rich enters the room. "Oh, finally, I've been looking for you two. We're going out for drinks, wanna come?"

Patterson wipes the already dry tears off of her eyes. "Yeah, I'm in."

"Sure! Me too."

"Cool, everyone is waiting outside the building."

Jane leaves them alone and before Patterson can follow her, Rich asks "hey, how are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?" Patterson frowns. 

"Well. Working with the woman you love and her girlfriend isn't easy..."

Patterson's eyes open widely. She opens and closes her mouth a few times. "Wh- what?"

"Come on, Patts."

She sighs. "Is it that obvious?"

He hisses before nodding. "Yeah..."

She groans and hides her face with her hands. She mumbles something unintelligible over her hands.

"What?"

"Do you think she knows?" Patterson repeats, after removing her hands from her face. 

Rich thinks about it for a few seconds. "Probably not. She's a pretty useless lesbian."

"Yeah, she's really pretty."

"That's not what I... nevermind."

\---

Tasha downs her fourth drink in one gulp. Vanessa has been glued to her side since the second drink. She's half asleep, with her head in the crook of Tasha's neck and her hand linked with Tasha's, as she gives her tiny kisses on every inch of skin she finds.

But that's not what has Tasha wanting to get drunk. In fact, Tasha hasn't paid much attention to her girlfriend in the whole night.

No. What has had Tasha tense since they got to the bar is that the waitress has been flirting with Patterson all night. And she's gorgeous. And they are bonding over nerd stuff. And Patterson has been avoiding Tasha since... the second drink? And she's smiling at this woman that isn't her. And why does it bother her so much? She's the one that has a girlfriend. But ugh why can't that woman go away already? And where is her fifth drink?

\---

Tasha can't sleep.

Her brain won't stop making up scenarios in which Patterson and the waitress go home together, kiss and sleep together or don't even have time to go home and they just do it in the bar's bathroom or they start dating and the woman appears with lunch every day or--

Her thoughts are interrupted by Vanessa's shuffling next her. "Tasha." She whispers. "Estás despierta?" (Are you awake?)

Tasha turns her head towards her and nods.

Vanessa moves a bit closer, breathes in and again whispers "Te quiero." (I love you.)

Tasha freezes. She gulps down the lump that's formed in her throat. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't want to lie to her and tell her she loves her too but she doesn't want to hurt her either. Because yes, she doesn't love her but she does care about her. Tasha clears her throat. "You're drunk."

Vanessa shakes her head and, after a few seconds, she shrugs. "Te quiero."

They are both silent for a while. When Tasha already thinks Vanessa fell asleep, the girl talks again. "Es ella, no?" (It's her, isn't it?)

Tasha is a bit taken aback by the question. "Qué?" (What?)

Vanessa sits up in the bed to be able to look at Tasha properly. "Cuando empezamos a salir, me dijiste que podíamos intentarlo pero que llevabas mucho tiempo enamorada de otra persona y que no sabías si algún día dejarías de sentir eso." (When we started going out, you told me that we could try but that you had been in love with someone else for a long time and that you didn't know if one day you'd stop feeling that way.)

Tasha looks away, imagining where this is going.

"Es ella?" (Is it her?)

Tasha knows exactly who she's talking about, because yes, _yes_ , it is her. There's no need to specify because there's only one. _She_ is the only one. Instead of acknowledging that, she asks. "Ella quién?" ('She' who?) Tasha sits up too.

Vanessa huffs. "Sabes exactamente de quién te hablo, Tash." (You know exactly who I'm talking about, Tash.)

Silence fills the room again. And again it's Vanessa who breaks it. "Do you still love her?" Her voice is small, afraid.

"Vanessa..." Tasha sighs, looking at her girlfriend pleadingly, begging her to let it go.

"It's a simple question."

"No."

Van is genuinely surprised. "What?"

"It's not. It's not a simple question. And you're drunk. And I'm drunk. And it's 3 am. It's not the time to have this conversation. So good night, V."

\---

"Hey. Do you have a minute?"

Patterson looks at her. "Yeah, if it's one minute... Walk with me."

Tasha wants to ask if everything is alright between them but in the last second, she changes her mind. "Um.. have you noticed Reade acting different?"

Patterson sighs. "Give him some time. Giving orders to your best friends isn't exactly fun."

"It's not like I'm trying to be extra fun. Just normal."

As they reach the lab, Patterson turns to be face to face. "You need to find a new normal. Look at Stuart and I. We hate each other but we're still friends."

Tasha frowns. "I don't think Stuart hates you."

"No. He does. It's like our whole thing."

"Um... I don't think Stuart knows that."

"Oh.. now I feel bad. I'll be better."

Patterson is gonna enter the lab, but Tasha, finding courage, stops her. "Patterson." The blonde turns back around. Tasha opens and closes her mouth a few times, trying to find the words, before giving up and shaking her head. "Nevermind."

Patterson frowns confused as she watches Tasha get into the lab.

\---

When she gets home, Tasha is surprised to find the door isn't locked. She takes her gun out and quietly opens the door and enters, prepared in case someone attacks her.

That is until she smells Vanessa's famous sauce. She relaxes and her lips turn up into a smile.

She leaves her things and goes to the kitchen, where her girlfriend is concentrated in the cooking, her back towards the door.

Tasha moves behind her and wraps her arms around her waist, leaning her head into the crook of Van's neck. She gives her a kiss on the shoulder and one in the cheek. "Huele bien." (It smells good.) They haven't talked since the night before, so Tasha doesn't know how she'll react, but she certainly hopes she doesn't bring it up, bring _her_ up. She knows they should talk, but she's not prepared to have that conversation. 

Vanessa looks at her, bites her lower lip and smiles. Tasha smiles back and leans in to kiss her. They break the kiss but stay centimeters away from each other. "Hola." Tasha whispers.

Vanessa chuckles. "Hola." She says before leaning in again one more time, before getting back to the food. "Tienes hambre?" (Are you hungry?)

Tasha looks at her up and down, before fixing her stare on her lips, alternating with her eyes. She smirks and bites her lip. "Mhm."

Tasha turns off the stove and turns V around. She pulls her girlfriend in and gives her an, indeed, very hungry kiss.

They don't talk.

\---

The phone rings in the middle of the night. Half asleep, Zapata picks it up. "Hello?"

"Tasha..."

"Reade?" She looks at the clock. "Why are you calling me this late? Is everything okay?" She asks, sitting up, concerned.

"No. Tasha... It's Stuart."

"What?" As Tasha asks, Vanessa stirs.

"He's dead. Stuart's dead."

"Wha.. what?"

"Tash?" Vanessa mumbles. 

Tasha takes a look at the girl, while Reade continues. "Patterson found him."

Tasha holds her breath. "Is she okay?"

"Tasha, qué pasa?" (what's going on?) Tasha tells her to wait with a hand gesture.

"She's in shock. She asked me to call you."

"Where are you?"

"At his apartment, the cops have been talking with Patterson."

"Okay. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Once she hangs up, Tasha starts getting dressed.

"Tasha? Me vas a decir qué pasa?" (Are you gonna tell me what's going on?)

"Stuart. Está muerto." (He's dead.) Vanessa's eyes open widely. "No sé nada más... Patterson-..." (I don't know anything else.)

"Ella estaba allí?" (She was there?)

Tasha nods and looks carefully at her. "Tengo que ir." (I have to go.)

Vanessa, still trying to take everything in, nods in understanding. "Ve." (Go.)

\---

When Tasha arrives, Patterson is sitting in a chair, looking unfocused at the floor. Reade is around making phone calls.

Tasha approaches her, crouches down and takes her hand. "Hey." When Patterson's empty look is fixed on her, Zapata asks "Are you okay?", while brushing Patterson's hair away from her face.

Patterson shakes her head. "Take me home."

Tasha nods and gets up. Then takes Patterson's hand to lead her to her car.

When they get to Patterson's apartment, Tasha goes in with her, gives her some water and helps her get in bed.

She sits on Patterson's bedside and draws circles in Patterson's wrist with her thumb, until she relaxes.

When she thinks Patterson is asleep, she gets up, ready to leave. But she's stopped by a hand on her arm. "Don't go," Patterson asks with desperate eyes, before moving to leave a space in bed for Tasha. "Please."

Tasha stays.


	17. all my hidden desires finally came alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so.. The rating went up. It's mainly for this chapter. But really, it's pretty irrelevant, you can just read the beginning and the end and skip the middle part if you want to. (That's also why I'm posting this as a solo chapter, instead of part of one)
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry...
> 
> Btw, if you recognise the song from the title there's a spoiler in the first line of the song heh... (also I had already used this song but shh)

Tasha wakes up to the sound of rain hitting the windows. She turns her head towards them before slowly opening her eyes.

Seeing the lack of light that comes from outside, she looks at the clock on the nightstand.

4:13.

_Yeah. Go back to sleep._

It's only when she turns back around that she notices the woman lying next to her, very close to her. Tasha freezes. She remembers why she's there but, still, she freezes.

_God, she looks so beautiful even now. ___

__Suddenly Tasha feels the urge to kiss her. Instead, she sighs and brushes a strand of Patterson's hair out of her face. The movement seems to wake the blonde up, as she shifts a bit towards the hand that isn't there anymore and then back into the pillow, letting a small groan out._ _

__"Shh" Tasha whispers, setting her hand over Patterson's arm, and brushing it up and down._ _

__"Tasha...?" Slowly, she opens her eyes. "What time is it?" She asks._ _

__"Quarter past four. Go back to sleep." Tasha says softly, before squeezing Patterson's arm._ _

__Patterson sighs and turns to lay on her back, as her eyes fill with tears. She closes her eyes, trying not to cry. Her breathing is ragged. Tasha slides closer to her, puts a hand across her waist leans her head on the side of Patterson's. "Hey. Hey." She whispers. "Turn around."_ _

__After a few seconds, the girl does, her hand on Tasha's side and their foreheads align. Tasha, with closed eyes, sighs and whispers "Breath with me." She inhales. She exhales. She inhales. And she exhales. She opens her eyes, moves back a little to look at Patterson's and inhales. Patterson inhales. They both exhale, Tasha's lips turn up into a tiny smile. They inhale and exhale once more._ _

__Then, Tasha leans her forehead back against Patterson's and caresses her cheek. A few seconds later, she moves again, bumping Patterson's nose with her own and stopping when their lips are almost touching._ _

__Patterson sighs sadly. "Tasha..." she whispers. "We ca--"_ _

__"Shh." Tasha says before closing the gap. Patterson gasps. Tasha gives her three short but very sweet kisses, before separating to wait for a reaction. Her eyes are wide open, terrified of what the other woman will do. Tasha is about to apologize a few seconds after Patterson opens her eyes, when the girl leans in, holds her waist and kisses her. Tasha sighs and kisses her back, her hands moving around Patterson's neck as she feels a tear running down her cheek._ _

__When they break the kiss to catch their breaths, Tasha can't help herself and whispers "I love you." Patterson gasps before kissing her again and pushing her to lay on her back. Before she can fully straddle her, Tasha shakes her head and rolls them over to make Patterson be the on her back. Patterson grunts while Tasha smirks as she gives her a searing kiss._ _

__Between kisses, Tasha's top is taken off, revealing her boobs. Patterson is frozen for a bit, her gaze fixed on the girl's chest and her mouth slightly opened. Tasha smiles a little, until Patterson's hands run over her abs and reach her chest and the smile is replaced by a moan. Patterson circles and pinches her nipples before Tasha leans down and captures her lips with her own._ _

__Next goes Patterson's shirt. Tasha leaves open-mouthed kisses in every inch of skin she reveals as she removes each button of Patterson's shirt, starting in her neck and ending in her bellybutton and making the girl under her squirm. Tasha goes back up, kisses her, and then takes one of her nipples into her mouth. Patterson whimpers from pleasure and takes a hold of Tasha's hair as her hips unconsciously move up, trying to get some friction. Tasha can feel herself getting wetter and wetter with every sound and every movement she gets from the other girl._ _

__When Tasha moves to the other nipple, Patterson can't take it anymore. "Tasha.." she groans, moving her hips obviously enough so that the brunette understands what she wants. She understands._ _

__With a smirk on her lips, Zapata's mouth goes back to Patterson's nipple as she moves her hand down the girl's front and into her pants. Patterson shivers in anticipation. The moment Tasha runs her fingers over Patterson's underwear, they both moan in unison, Tasha because of how wet Patterson is and Patterson for finally being touched._ _

__Tasha takes her hand out, which Patterson whines for, and removes Patterson's pants and underwear, which makes her gasp. In no time, Tasha's hand is back on Patterson, two fingers teasing at her entrance and her thumb drawing circles on Patterson's clit. "Oh man. Yes- Ahh." She moans. "T-Tash, please."_ _

__Tasha looks at her in awe, before taking her nipple back into her mouth at the same time as she enters Patterson with the two fingers. Patterson's moans increase in volume and continuity as Tasha pumps her fingers in and out of her. The sounds make Tasha lose control of her own body, as her hips start rocking in circles, trying to find some kind of contact. Patterson repositions herself so that her leg is between Tasha's, letting the woman rub herself against her thigh._ _

__In this new position, they soon find a rhythm. When Tasha feels Patterson clench around her fingers, she, feeling pretty close too, adds a third finger and sucks on her nipple, grazing her breast with her teeth and pushing her over the edge._ _

__For a few seconds, Tasha keeps slowly moving in and out of Patterson as she cools down and catches her breath. Once she has, Tasha looks at her lovingly and moves to kiss her deeply. She looks at Patterson while she does and smiles into the kiss, before closing her eyes to continue kissing her._ _

__Beep. Beep. Beep._ _

__Tasha rubs a hand over her eyes before shutting her alarm off._ _

___Wait._ _ _

__She opens her eyes and frowns, confused._ _

__She's in her bed. In her apartment. Not Patterson's. It's 6:30. And - she looks to her side - yep, Vanessa is there too. And she's very **very** turned on. _Fuck.__ _

__Vanessa stirs in her sleep. "Mmm. Buenos días." (Good morning.) She opens one eye and looks at her girlfriend, worryingly. "Estás bien? Estás sudando. Otra pesadilla? Des de lo lo de Stuart..." (Are you okay? You're sweating. Another nightmare? Since Stuart...)_ _

__"Estoy bien." (I'm okay.) Tasha answers. Trying to keep the attention away from her reddening cheeks, she turns around but has to bite her lip to suppress a moan, as the movement caused her shorts to rub against her._ _

___Fuck._ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna go hide under a rock.


	18. ¿Cómo quieres que adivine que en tu alma llevas su nombre tatuado? (How do you expect me to guess you have her name tattooed in your soul?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shortish... but I didn't want to get into the next... events...

It's been a few days since he died. They are deep into a new case. A new case that Patterson is talking about. But Tasha can't help herself - she's concerned, sue her.

As soon as there's a long silence, she asks "how are you holding up?"

"You wanna know the truth? Not great. Say what you want about Silicon Valley but at least my coworkers didn't end up dead."

"Look, everyone will understand if you wanna take some time off." Tasha suggests, knowing full well it's useless.

"I'm fine. I just got back." Patterson answers immediately.

Tasha nods and her lips turn up in a tiny smile as she looks away. They've had this conversation thousands of times in thousands of situations. The answer is always the same.

\---

It's... a really long day. And a really busy day.

There's Lowe, the three blind mice, trying to get clues on Stuart's murder, anonymous tips...

They all deserve to relax, so they decide to have dinner at Weller's. All of them. And yeah, that includes Vanessa. She's happy about it, really. She likes these people... but at the same time, there's two things bothering her. First, there's the fact that she feels like an intruder, they all have known each other for so long and she doesn't know how-- if she fits in. Which gets us to the other thing: should she try? She knows... well, she feels like her relationship with Tasha won't last long... since they joined the task force, it's been different. She's been different. And Vanessa knows why. She knows and she's grown to accept it. Her girlfriend loves someone else with her entire heart, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

So, yeah, she's here at Weller's apartment with her head on Tasha's lap while the guys cook and Tasha plays a game created by Patterson (aka The Woman).

Tasha is asking something to Jane while she runs her fingers through Van's hair. After Jane's answer, though, she stops. A few seconds later, she taps her index finger near Vanessa's ear. V looks up at her and easily understands that she wants to get up, so she sits up. Tasha goes towards Reade, a finger pointed at him. Vanessa watches the interaction and can't help the sigh that escapes her lips.

Next to her, Jane watches her curiously. "When I joined the team, I felt like I didn't fit in too." She starts, cautious. Then, remembering the first weeks, she chuckles. "Patterson told me that they were like a tangram and I was a new piece. And that we just had to find a new form. It happened, eventually. Just give it time." She ends with a wink and a smile. Vanessa smiles back. "Speaking of Patterson... " Jane says louder so that everyone hears her. "Where is she?"

"I just texted her."

Ten minutes later, she's not there yet and they have all moved to the counter to eat some snacks while they wait. 

Fifteen minutes later, Kurt's phone pings. "Woah woah woah. Patterson sent me an email. She's bailing on us for dinner with Rich."

"What?! Give me that. I'm gonna tell her to get her but over here." Kurt gives Tasha the phone. "Wait." She frowns. "She signed with her first name. She never uses her first name." She finishes, showing the rest the message.

Vanessa leans to look at the phone and that's when she sees it. Ellie Patterson. **E** llie. E, like in Tasha's back. Like in Tasha's tattoo. Like in Tasha's _soulmate_ tattoo. _She's her fucking soulmate!_ She knew she loved the woman but this... Vanessa looks at Tasha in shock. But Tasha doesn't see her. She's focused on the conversation they are having. A conversation that Van is not hearing, but by the look on Tasha's face, she can tell something is not okay.

\---

They find were Kathy has Patterson and Rich.

On the way, though, she must have seen them coming, because the car doors close and Weller loses control of the car.

They manage to get out just in time to avoid a crash. And they run to the building. They get inside in time to see Patterson jumping against Kathy as she shoots a gun, which causes her to get out of the safe zone and receive shocks from the collar Kathy put on her and Rich.

Reade, seeing that, tells Jane to turn the power off, while he arrests Kathy. Kurt and Vanessa help Patterson while Tasha checks on Rich, although her attention is on the blonde.

As they help Patterson and check if she's alright, Vanessa sees the letter on her wrist, which confirms what she already suspected.

Once Tasha is sure that Patterson is okay, she turns to Rich and with a flick on the ear, she wakes him. "He's fine." She confirms, getting up and turning around, in time to see Vanessa helping Reade and Kurt taking Patterson's collar off and leaving her alone. She walks towards her and brings her in into a hug, her eyes closed tightly.

From the corner of her eye, Vanessa sees her open them and whisper something to Patterson. The girl's shoulders slump a little as she nods and hugs Tasha tighter. The brunette closes her eyes again.

\---

They know. The team knows they are the other two mice. But they don't seem to mind, they even understand. That was lucky...

By the end of the reunion, Patterson and Rich don't dare to move until everyone has left. First leaves Reade, then Weller and, right after him, Jane. Tasha doesn't move. She's leaning over the head of the chair she's stood next to the whole time and looking at them. No, not them. She's looking at her. Noticing it, Rich decides it's time for him to go too. "Well. I'm... gonna... right, you're not listening to me."

After he's left, Patterson doesn't know what to do. She can feel Tasha's eyes on her, but she doesn't dare to look at her. She clears her throat before finally shifting her gaze towards her.

Once she does, Tasha asks "How are you? Really."

Patterson shrugs. "Like Rich said, it's just a few burns... " she says, touching the spots on her neck that hurt.

At the reply, Zapata separates from the chair and gets closer to Patterson. "Let me see." She whispers, putting her hand on Patterson's neck and caressing the injuries.

Patterson feels her heart beat faster and she wonders if Tasha can tell from where her hand is. She closes her eyes as she gulps down, while Tasha looks at her intensely. When her thumb stops moving over her neck, Patterson opens her eyes and finds Tasha staring at her lips. Her mouth dries at the sight, so she licks her lips, which causes Tasha's breath to catch. The brunette's gaze goes up to her eyes, pleadingly. Patterson doesn't know if she's asking her to kiss her or to break the staring contest and save her from doing something she'll regret. Tasha doesn't know either.

Thankfully, or sadly, the moment is interrupted, again, by Vanessa. She knocks at the door before either of them can decide what to do next. Startled by the knock, they practically jump away from each other. They turn around towards the door. Tasha doesn't know what to do with her hands and ends up holding them behind her back, while Patterson runs one over her hair and takes a deep breath.

"Hey." Vanessa says from the door, smiling at them before focusing on Patterson. "Can I steal her for a second?" She asks nodding to Tasha. "I need to talk to you." She tells Tasha.

Tasha frowns while Patterson lets go of the breath she was holding. "Sure." Patterson answers before distracting herself picking up her stuff and doing anything other than looking at either Tasha or Vanessa and mumbling: "She's not mine for you to steal, anyway..." Both Vanessa and Tasha hear her anyway and, while Tasha looks at Patterson, surprised by the words, Vanessa mumbles something in Spanish that Patterson doesn't understand but has Tasha frowning again after her attention is fixed on her girlfriend.

"Uh.. yeah, let's go." Tasha says after shaking her head to clear her mind. She turns towards Patterson. "I'll see you tomorrow." Then, her gaze falls on the girl's neck and she wants to say something but changes her mind and simply smiles and nods goodbye.

"Bye."

Patterson watches as she leaves, with her girlfriend behind her. She feels her heart break all over again.


	19. all i want is the taste that your lips allow

Patterson is _not_ avoiding Tasha... she's just... trying to focus on work and not think about her all day, which, by the way, is very hard if the woman is always in the lab, asking her if she slept, helping her with Stuart's murder, being concerned about her... So yeah, Patterson is not avoiding Tasha, but only because she's not letting her.

She almost kissed Tasha, the week before. And that would have been a mistake, a big mistake. Because it happened right before her girlfriend interrupted them and Patterson was left alone again. But, damn, does she wish she had kissed her... does she wish she could be kissing her right now... does she wish she was the one taking her home... But she's not. And she's not going to be. Because Vanessa is amazing and is not going anywhere.

\---

Tasha is working on her old computer when Reade approaches her. "Hey," he starts. After Tasha looks up at him, he continues, sitting down next to her. "Look, I'm sorry I've been so cold these weeks... This new situation is weird to me and I don-"

She stops him with a hand movement and a shake of her head. "Apology accepted. Just try to talk to me more than to give me orders."

He nods with a smile on his lips and closing his eyes. After some seconds of silence, he looks at her with curiosity. "So... how's Vanessa?" He asks, with teasing tone in his voice.

The teasing is replaced by a slight frown when he sees her mouth open and close and sees her look away, pursing her lips. "I don't know..." His frown deepens. "She broke up with me. About a week ago."

His eyebrows raise. " _She_ broke up with you??" She nods and he can't help the snort that escapes him. She shoves his arm and he raises both of his arms to protect himself. "Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'm... surprised. She was very into you. What happened? What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" She says, offended. "It's just..." she shrugs, hand going over her shoulder to tap on the spot she knows Reade knows she has her soulmate tattoo. "She says she wants me to be happy."

Reade frowns again. "I thought you didn't believe in soulmates."

"I didn't." Tasha sighs. "I... don't."

"So, she saw your tattoo and broke up with you because her name doesn't start in E?"

"Reade, she had seen it a thousand times." She says with an eyebrow raised.

"Then what happened?"

As if on cue, Patterson appears on their line of view and crosses the room with some papers in her hands. Tasha's eyes follow her as a small smile grows on her lips. Reade watches her, realisation downing on him, and smiles knowingly.

"She found out Patterson's name." He says, getting Tasha's attention back. "That's what happened, right?" Tasha bites the inside of her lip. "She's your soulmate." Tasha's silence is enough confirmation for him. He chuckles. "That explains a lot of things..."

She rolls her eyes with a tiny smile on her lips. "Shut up." She mumbles.

On her way back to the lab, Patterson sees Reade smiling at Tasha, while she bites her lip to stop her own smile and shakes her head.

A thought crosses Patterson's mind as she walks away. _What if it's not me? What if Edgar is Tasha's E and I imagined everything? It wouldn't be the first time..._ It's dumb and she knows it. She knows Reade and Sarah are soulmates. She knows there's nothing more than friendship between them. She knows Tasha is her soulmate. And she's pretty sure Tasha is a lesbian. And still, she can't shake the thought away. She's starting to understand why Tasha hates the whole soulmates thing.

\---

Tasha is pretty sure Patterson is avoiding her. Not in a "not be in the same room" way - because that's impossible - but in a "barely look at you, only talk about work" way. They are as distanced as they have ever been. Which is hard to understand because they are alone, working on Stuart's murder, most of the time. They even went on the field together. But she's avoiding her, not making eye contact and changing the subject when it's personal. And the worst thing is that she doesn't even know what's going on.

Tasha has never been so frustrated.

\---

Every time she looks at Tasha, she wants to kiss her. When Tasha smirks, she wants to kiss her. When she bites her lip, she wants to kiss her. When she talks, she wants to kiss her. But she can't do that. She can't do that because Tasha has a girlfriend and it's not her and maybe Reade is her soulmate and Patterson is a mess.

The solution? Not looking at her, not talking about anything other than work and, the most important one, not being alone with her.

\---

"Sorry... Jane? I need your help."

\---

"I have an idea. But we're gonna need Rich."

\---

"Oh yes, I'm in."

\---

It's late and they are still working on Stuart's murder. Patterson can feel Tasha's eyes on her but she doesn't dare look up. She sees the last person in the lab finish his work and close up for the day. Panic starts to grow in her stomach as she realises they are gonna be alone any minute.

Before that can happen, Jane enters the lab. Patterson sighs, relieved. "It's been a long day... Wanna go out for drinks?"

"Sure!"

"I'm in."

"Let me just... finish this..."

Jane rolls her eyes. "Enough work for today, Patterson." She says, taking Patterson's tablet from her hands and ignoring her complaints.  
They go to the elevators and once they are inside and the doors are closing, Jane stops them. "Wait. I'll go ask the rest of the team if they wanna come. You two go, I'll see you outside."

The doors close before either of them can say anything. The elevator starts going down but suddenly stops. "This is a test of our emergency preparedness system. Remain where you are. The building is on temporary lockdown."

"Oh, come on..." Tasha groans, rolling her eyes.

Meanwhile, Patterson's eyes go wide. She's locked down. In an elevator. With the love of her life. Who doesn't feel the same about her and whom she doesn't think she can not kiss if they are alone for too long.

She's in trouble.

\---

After 10 minutes, Tasha has moved to sit on the floor. Patterson doesn't know what to do and has been pacing since she gave up on trying to make the elevator move. Other than for that, they haven't said a word. Tasha watches Patterson from her sitting spot. "Patterson..." The girl looks at her. "What's going on?" She asks, softly.

Patterson stops fidgeting. "Nothing." She mumbles. She, then, sits on the opposite wall.

Zapata raises her eyebrows in disbelief. "You haven't talked to me or looked at me in days."

"I have!" She defends, looking at her hands. "We've been working together all week."

"Patterson, you're doing it right now!"

"Nothing's going on." She repeats.

Tasha bites her lip and lets out a frustrated sigh but lets it go.

After a minute or two, Patterson clears her throat. "H-how is Vanessa? She hasn't been here lately..." She asks, again focusing on anything other than the woman in front of her.

"Uh... We broke up." She says slowly, watching Patterson react.

Patterson's head snaps up. "What?" She frowns.

Tasha bites the inside of her lips. "Yeah... she... she broke up with me."

"Why would she do that?!" Patterson asks before collecting herself. "Ah. I mean... w-what happened?"

There's a tiny smile forming on Tasha's lips that she tries to tone down by closing them in a thin line. "She..." Tasha takes a deep breath, preparing herself to do what she hasn't dared to do in years. "She said she wants me to be happy. And that she knows she can't be the person to make me happy. Because there's already someone else. Someone that I can't live without. That I don't want to live without." She makes a pause, waiting for a reaction. Patterson is holding her breath and lets it out while looking down sadly. Tasha moves around to be on her knees and starts getting closer to Patterson. "And I let her. I let her break up with me because she's right." Once she's right in front of Patterson, she stops. Patterson looks up and finds Tasha looking at her with so much love that she's afraid to move. "Because for so long," she whispers, "I have been so in love with someone else that I don't think I could ever love anyone else. Not the way I love her." She ends, brushing Patterson's hair off her face, then caressing her cheek before finding the last bit of bravery she needs to place her hand on Patterson's neck and lean into that kiss that they have both been waiting for for so long.

It takes Patterson a few seconds to react, and once she kisses back, Tasha feels a tear slip down her cheek. They kiss until they have to separate to catch their breaths. They look at each other as a few more tears escape Tasha and they both can't help but smile. "I love you--" Patterson starts to say, but is cut out by Tasha kissing her again.

Patterson's hands hold onto Tasha's hair, while Tasha's fall to Patterson's hips, pulling her as close as she can.

Suddenly, they hear a loud sound that makes them separate, and the elevator starts to go down again. Looking around, Tasha lets out a little laugh. She looks back at Patterson, who hadn't stopped looking at her, and they kiss once more. A short kiss before Tasha taps on Patterson's waist as if to tell her that they should get up.

They get up and stand in front of the door. Tasha bites her lower lip, trying to control the grin that still hasn't left her mouth. From the corner of her eyes, she looks at Patterson, who, like her, can't stop smiling. "You've been so quiet."

"You didn't let me talk!"

Tasha's grin gets even bigger as she looks at Patterson. She opens her mouth to reply but is stopped by the doors sliding open as they reach the bottom floor. She turns to look outside, only to find Reade, Jane and Rich standing there, grinning at them. Tasha frowns. _How can they be here if there was a lo-- Oh, they did not!_

She glares at them and huffs. "I hate you all." She says, shaking her head. Patterson, meanwhile, is smiling.

"Oh, come on. We just gave you a little push, Tash."

"Did you plan on keeping us in there forever if I hadn't told her?"

"Yes." Rich answers, earning another glare from Tasha. "Uh. I mean, no, of course not..." He says, then whispers: "just a day or two." which everyone hears and laughs at, except Tasha, who rolls her eyes. Before she can kill him, Patterson holds her hand and kisses her cheek, getting Tasha to forget about everyone else and smile again. "Come on, it's already done." She says, leading her outside. She turns around and mouths "Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got so corny.. I'm sorry if it was underwhelming... After that freaking long wait... anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS!


End file.
